Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This is actually a post that a friend posted on her blog.
I was just going to post a link to her blog, but wasn't sure if people who weren't friends with her could read it. I repost it because I felt myself here when i read this. Ben and i gathered with some friends the other night for a time of worship and prayer and my request to them was that I needed God in a miraculous way. My spirit has grown weary...and I continue to press, I continue to worship, but I'm so weary. The enemy has saught to use the death of lisa to introduce crisis after crisis in our lives...i recognize these as him, but i have to admit, 14 months of it later, and i'm really tired, waiting for what it will be next. I DO continue to trust him to move miraculously in my life and to be the lifter of my head....Sarah wrote so beautifully....

There's a line from a Christmas song that keeps rolling around in my head this year. It's tucked into "O Holy Night". You'll recognize it, I'm sure.


. . . the weary world rejoices . . .

Some days I'm just overcome with the weariness of this world. The weight of sadness that so many experience daily. That I experience daily.

And yet, I rejoice. Why? Because God is teaching me so many things as I work through my grief. Because He is good and has blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Because He is using me in spite of my very elementary understanding of Him.

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.
Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground before God.
Job 1:20

I studied this verse this morning. Job lost everything, all at the same time. His wealth, his family, his health. And yet, in his grief, he worshiped.

"Is it realistic to think that you and I can worship God, not after we've figured it all out, but as our initial reaction to loss in our lives? Job shows us it is. Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives; it simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings. We worship God because he is worthy, not because we necessarily feel like it. And as we worship in the midst of our pain, we are able to gain perspective on that pain. This is a costly worship-- which makes it all the more worthwhile and precious to God." -- Nancy Guthrie from her book Hope, p. 34 (bold mine)

This Christmas I am weary. I don't understand the path that my life is taking. But I do trust Him. Even though I don't understand and even though it takes every fiber in my being to reach out to God in my pain, I will worship. I will rejoice. I will sing.


Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.
1 Peter 4:1-2

Friday, December 18, 2009

staking my sword

embracing the words to "gratitude" - this cd is amazing..the flesh wrestles and in those moments, we press further into the Spirit and the truth we know despite our emotions.



Thursday, December 17, 2009

advent conspiracy

ben and i got to participate in something really neat today/tonight. i'll give you a short background first.

we decided as a church this year to join the advent conspiracy movement. a group of churches who have chosen to make a conscious effort to bring the meaning of christmas back into practical life. not just talking about what the real reason of christmas is, but to participate in it, by sacrificing some of the material things christmas involves and pouring it into someone else that actually needs it. one shocking statistic: $450 BILLION dollars was spent on christmas last year...in order to solve the worlds clean water problem (which is the cause of most deaths in third world countries), it would take $10 billion....something to chew on. check out the website to see more on this movement, but we decided as a church to participate in it by adopting a family in need this year in our community. there are only 10 of us right now, but we could do SOMETHING. so we found a single mom of 4 kids.

as a church we collected money and would give them the christmas they hoped to have...and it was pulled off! ben and the kids and i went this afternoon and shopped for toys. it was so neat to explain to dylan what we were doing and to have him participate in picking out toys for the kids, helping us wrap them and then tonight, dropping them off. we weren't really sure what to expect, we just wanted them to know God loved them and cared about them...they were SO grateful. they even wanted us to stay to be able to watch them open their gifts and i have to say it was one of the best things to see those kids be so excited about things they most wanted this year!

you know, we didn't really feel like we (ben and i) had anything to give. in fact, we're not doing xmas this year because we don't have it...but we could give something, we could get a toy for a child, we could. we wouldn't starve by putting the money out there, and even though we may feel like we have nothing sometimes, only because its not all we desire, we do, and we're blessed. my kids will have presents this christmas.

i love that this type of compassion is in the blueprints of our newstart Ebenezer Church of the Nazarene. as our leadership team was developing our core values, we decided that a large percentage of our church income would go towards community ministry, because there is more to meeting the needs of people than just inside of four walls...and tonight i was a part of that becoming a reality and i was blessed.

sidenote: on our way to the house to drop off the gifts, dylan said, "after we give them their presents mom, can we sing, "we wish you a merry christmas?"....God has given that boy such compassion and i love watching it.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

christmas crafts

i sadly report that my last post wasn't it. we DID however get an offer from the lady who looked at our home, but she must have mistaken us for someone who had owned the home for 30 years and had practically nothing left to pay on it for what she offered. we countered, but she wasn't able to come anywhere near our bottom line i guess...so...we still own a home in Michigan and we're still renting here in SC.


on a lighter note, dylan is more excited about christmas this year than ever (i mean, all i have to compare excitement is age 1 and 2, lol). but it is SO fun with him. i've determined 3, almost 4 is the perfect age for enjoying christmas with a child. i learned from Erica's example and made a christmas countdown calendar with dylan and used little candy canes as a good reminder of what Christmas is. he anxiously awaits to wake up every morning to pull off another candy cane and find out how many days are left.

we've been doing a good amount of christmas crafts too, as he's really into cutting and gluing. its been a lot of fun and some good time for just us to spend together while grahm is napping.


i can't believe he turns 4 in just three weeks...that means we start thinking preschool next fall. ben and i talked about that the other day and it was sweet to hear him say. "i'm not sure if i'm ready to handle him going to school yet". boy they grow up fast!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Let This Be It!

Yesterday I made a few observations that i wanted to share, then i'll get to the title of my post:
1 - It seems really weird to have hired landscaping people still mowing green grass as I pass businesses, it's December!
2 - People in the south truly ARE much more friendly or God is forming a relationship with the lady at the post office we see several times a week after she talked to me about us getting into our new location and then before i left said "let me know when you get in there if you guys need any help, ok? really."
3 - ok, there was a third, and no i can't remember it...so sad.

Now to my title. ben talked with our realtor who is handling our home in MI. and we had a third showing on the house today! praying that God lets this be it!!! That they make an offer and we can get out from underneath it...hope we have an offer heading our way within the next couple of days!

Monday, November 30, 2009

confessions

don't worry. i don't have anything terrible to share as my title may lead you on to believe. but i have to confess i've been in a state of complaint lately, which is why i haven't posted. i've sadly had nothing positive to say, and although my flesh wants to justify that argument due to the many circumstances we are walking through at the moment, my Spirit knows better and otherwise and I've been battling those emotions heavily for the last week. its so frustrating to feel the way i've felt, to constantly be in that battle of dying to your flesh. i know that's a daily thing we do, but i think its tested so well when you feel like you can't find any solid ground to stand on and your struggling to remain positive (and i know, God is my solid ground...but i have to admit, this last week i've struggled to remain hopeful - again, realize that's my flesh speaking...i know the truth behind those emotions). i'm ashamed to say i've failed that test.

i've really felt like the last 14 months which started with lisa's death has just continued to be a struggle...everything that tore me apart and continues to with that circumstance continues to come with me like a ball and chain around my ankle, and life continues to get so heavy in every area. this week its just gotten too heavy to drag around..life that is...Lord i really need freed from this rut! i'm beggin you to move!

ironically as sad as this post may feel, my Spirits are up and i'm ready to confront the attitude i've carried for the last several days. my circumstances remain the same and i'm as frustrated with them as ever...but my Hope has not left me, He remains the same and I'm choosing to embrace the Hope to which he's given and called me to. My life is in His hands. The circumstances I find myself in are because of my OBEDIENCE to him, not disobedience...therefore i can rest and trust that there is an end to all of this.

In the meantime, I continue to be shown the love of my Father through Dylan and Grahm. Grahm is starting to talk some, it's adorable, and Dylan is really beginning to comprehend so many things and there are days that I see glimpses of a boy rather than a toddler. I'm loving both of their ages right now, they bring so much joy! I really am blessed with the best best best family...ben and i always tell each other, as long as we have each other, we can make it through anything...i'm remembering that tonight...we DO have eachother, and we WILL make it.

Monday, November 16, 2009

i couldn't even find a title for my post. i still don't have anything to say...its a bit frustrating but nothing to be worked up about i guess. some randomness...we need to decide on a rental home within the next two weeks cause we have to give 60 days notice here. the thought of packing up what we chose to put here in the townhouse is not appealing at all!

lisa's bday is this thursday.....i just went on a ladies retreat in myrtle beach this weekend with a good friend, and it was great, but had some hard moments as my last time away for a weekend was with her, scrapbook weekend..memories.

i had some delayed bday money come my way and got a few new things for the wardrobe...

i think ben and i have decided somewhere in the carribbean will be our destination to celebrate our 10 yr. next year..MUCH cheaper flights mean more money to spend and enjoy activities while we're there...we are DEFINATELY renewing our vows while there, and i'm packing my wedding dress and am so excited to fulfill that dream i've always wanted to do on my 10th:)

hopefully next time i come to the page, it'll be something a bit more productive...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

i really miss and need my sister today. that's it, i just need her.

Monday, November 9, 2009

hmmmm

i haven't any words to post for the last several days. i sat down yesterday and typed a half a post and then decided it wasn't worth it. i have nothing. so this is mostly just randomness...

brooke (the wife of one of the co-leaders for our plant here) and i are heading to myrtle beach this weekend for our district ladies retreat. that's something exciting! i'm looking forward to the time away to do something fun and to really be filled and challenged and be led in worship. hoping maybe i'll meet some girls that are from around here too that i can develop relationships with. its crazy to think i'll be in myrtle beach (a little over 3 hrs. from here), never been there, but supposedly we're in condos right on the beach. apparently they treat us pretty good..not that we'll be doing any laying out, but we've decided to take a blanket and eat lunch out there one time. we'll be leaving early friday morning and getting back sunday early evening.

i've been really paying attention to how fast the boys are growing up too...its amazing the things they're doing, i constantly wonder how much the moving around is/going to affect them til we really are able to settle in.

prayer:
ask that you pray with us this week as we continue to look for a rental home. our house in MI has not sold. we have someone interested in a lease purchase, which means we'll agree upon a sale price and they'll be in for a year (technically leasing) and at the end of that year they'll get loan and buy. we would still have financially responsibility every month, and if we're not able to buy for another year, we desperately need out of this townhouse. finding something here that takes pets and is decent seems to be a bit of a challenge, but we continue to trust. we have to give our apt. complex 60 day notice, so we have to have a decision about moving out by the end of this month...please pray with us about all that...it continues to be a burden.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

beautiful

i live for worship songs like this...this is why music is so amazing. God gives someone words you can never come up with yourself, melodies and instruments and words create an amazing presence in which we can sit and touch God.

i watched an inteview on kari jobe's new website and love the i've "found" someone who loves peaceful songs. its mostly what i listen to, and so does she. there is something about meeting God in the quiet moments. i can't wait to bring this song to our body...i find myself developing a heart for women and leading them in worship..i'm trying to filter that thought/emotion today to know if its just a mood, or if God is doing something here...we'll see. check out this song though..the title is fitting in many ways.

"Beautiful" - Listen here

Here, before Your altar,
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh beautiful

here in Your presence,
I am not afraid of brokenness
to wash Your feet with humble tears
oh I would be poured out till nothing's left.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are, who You are

Beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh Lord You're beautiful, beautiful beautiful
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

10 random observations

1 - i ran my best of my 3 miles yesterday and did 11 min. miles, completing 3 miles in 33 minutes. i'm not up to running the entire time, but did get 3/4 mile runs in for each mile. needless to say i'm pumped

2 - had dinner tonight with our district superintendent. we're blessed to be serving under such a man of God who genuinely cares for us and how we're doing here and would take time out of his schedule to meet us for dinner in our town. he is encouraging...

3 - several shows make me cry on a regular basis - the biggest loser (which i balled at tonight), grey's anatomy, private practice and so you think you can dance (when the dancing is so beautiful and i'm jealous at the desire to be a part of something like that)

4 - i hate how i feel after some of those shows when it brings forth grief and i feel myself sliding away from a good day.

5 - i desperately need a chiropractic appointment

6 - i would love the cleaning fairy to come tonight while i'm sleeping

7 - i'm looking forward the district ladies retreat next month in myrtle beach

8 - i wish i would loosen up some more...no, actually i wish i would feel comfortable enough to let out what's underneath sometimes...i'm much stiffer on the outside than i really am

9 - my sons follow in their father's accident proneness steps (yes those are all words and make sense)

10 - HE created my inmost being and knit me together, took time out of his universe to say my name and think me important enough. gave me thought and crafted me by hand. (that's a good one!)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

the more i seek you

"the more i seek you" - kari jobe (part of Christ for the Nations Institute) i just found this song today. really like Christ for the Nations, but hadn't heard this. its older, but the live version is just gorgeous! i can't tell you how many times i've listened to this over and over again. i have to admit its the first time in a couple of days that i really felt like i was sitting in his presence REALLY worshipping....i LOOONG to be a part of these type of worship services. (who doesn't i guess right?). but stuff like this video remind me of the passion conference ben and i attended in TN several years back. i could sit in those types of places for days, listening to thousands singing, being a part of creating such a gorgeous sound. anyway. that was just a ramble to say that God presence flows from this song and it was GREAT to have this cross my path today...

take a listen.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Life in the pavement

(i first have to say i had so many words to put down on paper this morning after my run and had hoped to get right to the computer when i got home, but here i am, 10pm...and hoping the thoughts come forth as clearly as they did this morning)

so i've picked up a new "hobby" of running since being down here. i call it my sanctuary as its been a place to escape the reality of things most the time, reality of being in a brand new city where we don't have any friends or any current church to plug into, any families for my kids to play with, the reality that we're so far from home..that we sometimes feel out of our minds with the faith we're walking in, that my sister is gone, that we have a house in MI still to sell...and its usually a break from the apartment i often feel stuck in 7 days a week. most importantly, its quiet, where i can talk with my Father and lay all the fears, the angers out...thank Him for the joyful moments, for the encouragements, for the sunshine, for the wind in my face, for the shade the trees give when i'm in need of a break from the sun on the hot days.

so today i was listening to the shane and shane album "pages" and they have a piano interlude on there (called interlude) that is really short, but just beautiful..really matched the day and it became my theme song (which i often stumble across sometime during my run and listen to several times) for the day. God began to speak to me and i discovered how much life there was in the pavement i was running on.

my running is a good metaphor for my journey right now...not running the whole 3 miles, but pushing myself to go as long as i can. and i often feel so tired, i just want to stop, but there is something inside me telling me i can go further, don't quit now, there's more in you..it's Him. and just like Him the pavement is constantly in my face..some days it feels freeing, some days feels like a big hurdle or even burden i have to overcome or push through..but every time i make the choice to meet it at the park it's there...looks the same, treats me the same, it doesn't change. sometimes running on it feels harder than the day before, but it's the same as the day before. and as difficult as the effort sometimes feels to get myself there, i never walk away from meeting it disappointed, always rejuvenated, encouraged, head held up like i have something to give the world. and sometimes right now i feel like its my closest friend, and as i thought that as i was running today i heard God say i AM your closest friend.

so i press into it...my feet pound into the pavement, over and over. i stare it in the face and lay down all i bring to it at its feet and walk away changed every time. that's my sanctuary. i was on my way home today and thought this is my motivation to keep going back. it's LIFE to me. i have to have these times with God, especially now, especially here.

on a complete side note, i (again) felt impressed when i was listening today that Ben should write a book..he is SO gifted with words and a beautiful writer...and he has a perspective no one else does, and the world needs this...so keep an eye out. i think God will begin doing a work in him to do so (although he's felt impressed himself before, i think God is going to start nudging).

if you've made it to the end of this long post, listen to the interlude here and take a second to be quiet before God and see what He may be speaking about to you in the silence.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

i love my sensitive boy


dylan watched "land before time" today during his rest time in bed. i let him watch it in mom and dad's room, so he laid on the bed while i continued our vacation search on the computer. i love that movie! it was the first one i saw in the theatre when i was little, with my mom. when he notices someone dying or hurt, he often asks if they are going to be with jesus, because that's what he knows about aunt lisa. that she's in heaven with jesus. so he commented often in the movie about the dinosaur that dies and kept mentioning how the baby was sad cause his mommy was in heaven.

well the movie got done and dylan and i were playing thomas trains. i mention the next three things in order...he had to get up to go potty, so he went and as he's standing going, he says. mom, we need to clean this soon (meaning the toilet) - which i will tell you has been cleaned recently :), but i found myself laughing at his choice of words. he sits back down to play with me and begins to talk again about how sad the baby dinosaur was that his mommy had to go up to heaven to be with jesus (and he's starting to seriously tear up). i agreed and he says, he went to heaven just like daddy..i responded, no dylan, daddy isn't in heaven. lisa is in heaven with jesus..and he says (now crying softly) "oh yah, that's right mom, she's with jesus, that makes me so sad" ....AND i lose it! and he immediately gets concerned and says "its ok mom, its ok....you sad?" i said yes, that makes me sad too. i quickly pull myself together and he continues "its ok mommy...you keep your pants dry?" (and i bust out laughing) you have to understand we've been really praising him for doing so well with the potty, so he talks like that a lot when he wakes from his nap dry....oh the laughter and the tears this afternoon...i'm so grateful to have shared that moment with him tho. not that i want him sad, but that i want her to be missed by him..i want her to have meant something in his life, and i'm grateful that he remembers and that God has given him a sensitive heart.

ok, i'm off to build a tent with blankets and play cars in it!

Monday, October 19, 2009

not me monday!

so i just found another blogger that has a neat site and have entered a not me monday contest on there...check her site out here

find it pretty interesting that its called no me monday...i've felt just like that all day today. not me right, not me, not now, not this...chuck it up to being a monday? lol..hope so!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

we came, he met

this morning was amazing! really. i feel like its been our best service so far. don't hear that like a superficial judging thing...when your having church in your home with 10 other people, it's VERY intimate...it feels much like a small group so sometimes takes something amazing for everyone to feel fully comfortable. this isn't a place you just come to and show up to..it requires you to engage. well everyone was "here" today. i was blessed to see the songs God used to minister to me during preparation seemed to be what others needed this morning as well. we had a great time of prayer and concluded with a great time of reflection discussion...we came..he met...loved it!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

the way he encourages us

its been cold and rainy here for the last few days and my mood has felt about the same. not cold..but just gloomy, wishing God would drop the perfect friend in my lap (or bring the one here closer :). i sat preparing worship for tomorrow and came across a song i've heard but have never done and haven't heard much called "revelation song" by Christ for the Nations. you can listen to it here. (sidenote: i LOVE the background pic for that site..i love this type of activism and told ben we'll need to do something like this here when we do an event - i believe it was in D.C. "protesting" abortion). but anyway, i sat listening to this song and felt such immense peace..its so musically beautiful. then i sat thinking how these words relate to my life today..with how i'm feeling..."you are my everything and i will adore you." i don't feel like i'm adoring much today...actually doesn't feel like my everything today..but i found myself engulfed in worship as i listened...and then i moved onto "God of our yesterdays", which you can listen to here. i love this song...love it. such a great reminder for those hard days and what the good days ahead hold..nothing different than the hard ones. sometimes it feels that way, i won't deny that, but my experience tells me otherwise so i remind myself of that. i'm grateful for the times that he allows these things to be life giving, even in their preparation...
we'll see what he has for us tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

friends, where art thou

so today we hit the wall i think. not terribly but i/we are really in need of some friends here...the last 7 weeks spending most all the time by ourselves is starting to get to everybody in the fam. dylan is in DESPERATE need of some interaction outside of this house. he's really been acting up this last week. we just don't even have a yard to do something in and i'm starting to feel frustrated at the smallest things due to lack of time outside of this apartment. what to do? nothing. we can't do a thing. its going to take time...quite a bit of time when you come to a town where you know no one to start a church with no current attendees...at least when we moved to bedford we walked into a church family and were already surrounded with a group of people with whom we could develop relationships.
i was driving today considering attending all the events i was hearing on the christian radio station just for some interaction..then i thought, how hilarious. not quite sure where to go from here, but i'm hoping God brings someone along our way soon for the sake of all of us. i'm starting to feel bad that dylan doesn't have anyone to play with. Lord, please bring some friends our way...

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

tired

i'm so tired today. for some reason these last two nights i have been exhausted and yet find myself wide awake late at night. last night was no different and i had to get up and going to teach my computer class at the academy. i had a first grader come in and walk right to me with flowers and a card he made with is picture on it to say thank you for being his teacher...made me feel like i was doing something right. came home to two exhausted kids and now they're both napping after some crying, and no's. ben is in columbia today meeting with 6 other pastors and the d.s. at the district office for their monthly "mentoring session". the d.s. picks 7 pastors a year to do this with each year, i'm excited about this for him.

we had our first real church visitor this last sunday. someone here in aiken who came to find out about us through his dad (who lives in a city a couple hrs. away) who heard about us through the district. we were so excited to have him and i really feel like he is one of the reasons we're here. someone who needs our community, an up and down pattern and walk in his life that he is open about and think he's searching for meaning. this excites me and i find myself assured again by God about us being here!

well, i'm off for a nap...its been raining here for a couple days. so i haven't been running since sat. i'm feeling so lazy today i hear choc. icecream calling my name and am fearful i'm about to cave....

Monday, October 12, 2009

thankfullness

so last night i found myself up til 2am, just totally awake, so messing around on the computer, to finally give in thinking if i layed down i'd be tired...didn't happen and then found myself up at 7am with grahm this morning. i'm exhausted to say the least..however again i'm at the computer and i'm thankful. know this is random but this is all this tired brain has after 4 hours of sleep. our printer stopped working earlier this week, i dreaded the thought of having to spend more money on something like that (our vaccuum decided to completely quite on us a couple weeks ago). but last night in the middle of doing some stuff, i had to restart the computer and when it came back on, our printer started printing again! i'm reminded of this because it's sitting in front of my face, but i'm so thankful! i know it seems like such an odd thing and maybe small to be excited about, but when you've been given back something so necessary for us right now (we have to print off words for church worship), its a big deal.

what else has been given to me, necessary or not that i've overlooked being thankful for or recognizing it was his hand who's given it? got me thinking....

here we go

so i've noticed most of my friends have moved to this website, and in efforts to restart my own blogging and to stay up to date not just on their daily status, but meaningful issues, family life, struggles and joys, and to share our life here in SC with family and friends, here we go....