confessions

don't worry. i don't have anything terrible to share as my title may lead you on to believe. but i have to confess i've been in a state of complaint lately, which is why i haven't posted. i've sadly had nothing positive to say, and although my flesh wants to justify that argument due to the many circumstances we are walking through at the moment, my Spirit knows better and otherwise and I've been battling those emotions heavily for the last week. its so frustrating to feel the way i've felt, to constantly be in that battle of dying to your flesh. i know that's a daily thing we do, but i think its tested so well when you feel like you can't find any solid ground to stand on and your struggling to remain positive (and i know, God is my solid ground...but i have to admit, this last week i've struggled to remain hopeful - again, realize that's my flesh speaking...i know the truth behind those emotions). i'm ashamed to say i've failed that test.

i've really felt like the last 14 months which started with lisa's death has just continued to be a struggle...everything that tore me apart and continues to with that circumstance continues to come with me like a ball and chain around my ankle, and life continues to get so heavy in every area. this week its just gotten too heavy to drag around..life that is...Lord i really need freed from this rut! i'm beggin you to move!

ironically as sad as this post may feel, my Spirits are up and i'm ready to confront the attitude i've carried for the last several days. my circumstances remain the same and i'm as frustrated with them as ever...but my Hope has not left me, He remains the same and I'm choosing to embrace the Hope to which he's given and called me to. My life is in His hands. The circumstances I find myself in are because of my OBEDIENCE to him, not disobedience...therefore i can rest and trust that there is an end to all of this.

In the meantime, I continue to be shown the love of my Father through Dylan and Grahm. Grahm is starting to talk some, it's adorable, and Dylan is really beginning to comprehend so many things and there are days that I see glimpses of a boy rather than a toddler. I'm loving both of their ages right now, they bring so much joy! I really am blessed with the best best best family...ben and i always tell each other, as long as we have each other, we can make it through anything...i'm remembering that tonight...we DO have eachother, and we WILL make it.