Monday, February 4, 2013

Not invisible to God

wow it's been a long time..i often come to this page wanting to write and know there is so much i could say but somehow find myself with a blank thought and end up not writing.

today, this is much more "therapy" than it is "news", haha.

do you ever feel like you're invisible? like you're seen as something diff. than what you are, that the expectation of what you'll do, take care of, what you value, or accomplish is just totally unseen, or misunderstood. I must confess (with brutal honesty) that I felt that way today. that I was taking care of situations that weren't suppose to be my responsibility, that I was talked to in a way that implied a lack of desire for something and little care for others or my family. I spent an entire day doing such things and then encountered an interaction that seemingly came from no where...we have a tendency to say "she's just having an emotional day", except i'm not...i'm not at all emotional about what took place today, other than feeling utterly invisible and misunderstood. angry at the way i feel misunderstood...when my priority is the exact opposite than what i felt confronted in's just.frustrating.
and i know...i shouldn't be talking with such strong emotion, no pastors wife (or mother) ever feels this way right? :) why do we pretend we don't..and why is it wrong when we do? if someone else could just walk in these shoes for a few weeks..jungle this schedule and never disappoint anyone and make sure you're giving yourself fully to your family first while making everyone else feel as significant as they are (and they really are).....i just.felt.invisible.
i've felt the absence of my sister lisa the last several days and i think days like these feel so bad because she is one i never felt misunderstood by...i want to pick up the phone and have her talk me through how to wade through things...i just. miss. her.
i'm grateful that i can sit here, and write these words down knowing that my God is sitting next to me on my couch, probably in his pj's too :) and that i'm not invisible to him...i know he felt this way sometimes, i think he can relate to the exact emotion i'm feeling right now.
i was challenged yesterday when psalm 51:15 was just BRIEFLY mentioned in the sermon and wonder, if he were to open my lips, if my mouth would declare his praises right now...i've held them pretty tight today :)...but you know...i sit tonight and say thank you God, for being faithful in loving me, for seeing me and for being the constant that sees who Angela is, even when others don't. thank you Lord for being steadfast and for being my rock...thank you Lord that to you, I'm never invisible.

1 comment:

  1. Welcome back! Yes, I know exactly how you feel. Going through a tough time myself, except mine is a bit ongoing. We should chat. I SEE YOU! and I love you to pieces.