confessions

don't worry. i don't have anything terrible to share as my title may lead you on to believe. but i have to confess i've been in a state of complaint lately, which is why i haven't posted. i've sadly had nothing positive to say, and although my flesh wants to justify that argument due to the many circumstances we are walking through at the moment, my Spirit knows better and otherwise and I've been battling those emotions heavily for the last week. its so frustrating to feel the way i've felt, to constantly be in that battle of dying to your flesh. i know that's a daily thing we do, but i think its tested so well when you feel like you can't find any solid ground to stand on and your struggling to remain positive (and i know, God is my solid ground...but i have to admit, this last week i've struggled to remain hopeful - again, realize that's my flesh speaking...i know the truth behind those emotions). i'm ashamed to say i've failed that test.

i've really felt like the last 14 months which started with lisa's death has just continued to be a struggle...everything that tore me apart and continues to with that circumstance continues to come with me like a ball and chain around my ankle, and life continues to get so heavy in every area. this week its just gotten too heavy to drag around..life that is...Lord i really need freed from this rut! i'm beggin you to move!

ironically as sad as this post may feel, my Spirits are up and i'm ready to confront the attitude i've carried for the last several days. my circumstances remain the same and i'm as frustrated with them as ever...but my Hope has not left me, He remains the same and I'm choosing to embrace the Hope to which he's given and called me to. My life is in His hands. The circumstances I find myself in are because of my OBEDIENCE to him, not disobedience...therefore i can rest and trust that there is an end to all of this.

In the meantime, I continue to be shown the love of my Father through Dylan and Grahm. Grahm is starting to talk some, it's adorable, and Dylan is really beginning to comprehend so many things and there are days that I see glimpses of a boy rather than a toddler. I'm loving both of their ages right now, they bring so much joy! I really am blessed with the best best best family...ben and i always tell each other, as long as we have each other, we can make it through anything...i'm remembering that tonight...we DO have eachother, and we WILL make it.

i couldn't even find a title for my post. i still don't have anything to say...its a bit frustrating but nothing to be worked up about i guess. some randomness...we need to decide on a rental home within the next two weeks cause we have to give 60 days notice here. the thought of packing up what we chose to put here in the townhouse is not appealing at all!

lisa's bday is this thursday.....i just went on a ladies retreat in myrtle beach this weekend with a good friend, and it was great, but had some hard moments as my last time away for a weekend was with her, scrapbook weekend..memories.

i had some delayed bday money come my way and got a few new things for the wardrobe...

i think ben and i have decided somewhere in the carribbean will be our destination to celebrate our 10 yr. next year..MUCH cheaper flights mean more money to spend and enjoy activities while we're there...we are DEFINATELY renewing our vows while there, and i'm packing my wedding dress and am so excited to fulfill that dream i've always wanted to do on my 10th:)

hopefully next time i come to the page, it'll be something a bit more productive...

i really miss and need my sister today. that's it, i just need her.

hmmmm

i haven't any words to post for the last several days. i sat down yesterday and typed a half a post and then decided it wasn't worth it. i have nothing. so this is mostly just randomness...

brooke (the wife of one of the co-leaders for our plant here) and i are heading to myrtle beach this weekend for our district ladies retreat. that's something exciting! i'm looking forward to the time away to do something fun and to really be filled and challenged and be led in worship. hoping maybe i'll meet some girls that are from around here too that i can develop relationships with. its crazy to think i'll be in myrtle beach (a little over 3 hrs. from here), never been there, but supposedly we're in condos right on the beach. apparently they treat us pretty good..not that we'll be doing any laying out, but we've decided to take a blanket and eat lunch out there one time. we'll be leaving early friday morning and getting back sunday early evening.

i've been really paying attention to how fast the boys are growing up too...its amazing the things they're doing, i constantly wonder how much the moving around is/going to affect them til we really are able to settle in.

prayer: ask that you pray with us this week as we continue to look for a rental home. our house in MI has not sold. we have someone interested in a lease purchase, which means we'll agree upon a sale price and they'll be in for a year (technically leasing) and at the end of that year they'll get loan and buy. we would still have financially responsibility every month, and if we're not able to buy for another year, we desperately need out of this townhouse. finding something here that takes pets and is decent seems to be a bit of a challenge, but we continue to trust. we have to give our apt. complex 60 day notice, so we have to have a decision about moving out by the end of this month...please pray with us about all that...it continues to be a burden.