one of those days

its been one of those days... you know, where you feel like a failure as a mother. i was so impatient with my kids today...and it was one of those days where you almost already feel bad before the impatience comes out but you can't help it, your just pushed to the edge...i hate that!!!! i have to say, i see this side of me coming out more these days than i like..not that its all the time, just more than i like or am comfortable with. i almost feel like a switch flipped off with me after lisa passed and on the days my emotions are too overwhelming i just can't handle the kids when they feel overwhelming...i just can't. emotion about that is enough/all i can handle and anything above that just makes everything else magnified. i hate it......i put dylan to sleep tonight wondering if he thinks i'm a terrible mom, ect...and i know my emotion is running away from me here...i'm just reflecting and frustrated beyond belief at the mom i was today....ughhhh. i have the best children in the world!!! i want to be the mom they deserve every day! Lord help me be that...and help me to surrender those emotions when they feel more overwhelming than your voice on these days.

On a positive note, I had a magnificent valentine's day surprise from my husband! it could not have been better timing...but i woke yesterday morning to a bottle of sparkling cider that said "do not open until wed. feb. 17th...i opened the notd to say that we would be enjoying 3 days/2 nights alone at edisto beach (on the coast about 2 1/2 hrs. away). we know someone with a condo there that is letting us use it for those days...he planned it all, arranged it all and set up the kid sitting, ect...it could not have come at a better time. just the night before i said to him, "ugh. i just need some time away" sooo wed. morning, we're heading out and won't be returning til friday evening. i am SO excited!!! we haven't had a night to ourselves since our anniversary 2008 and a day since ben's bday in october! so i'm going to be soaking it up and praying i return a better parent.....

oh and a small update: i'm branching out, in hopes to connect and meet other moms in the community through a moms club here. i'm heading to my first mom's night out tomorrow. they hold them once a month and playgroups every week...its def. out of my comfort zone..but its time we do something and felt God pressing me towards it, so i'm trusting i'll make some friends and connect my kids with some others they can be friends with. tomorrow sounds fun. they're doing an amazing race night, so they're sending us all over town i guess :) thanks for listening....i'm being transformed day by day, and thankful that his mercies are made new every morning!

January - Dylan's BDay

i'm way overdue for a post to say the least..but thought i'd get started by catching things up a little by sharing dylan's birthday. i can't believe he's four and we're looking at preschools. i'm not ready for this. but we had a great time celebrating with friends. we actually had his party a few days after his actual bday so we celebrated on the day with lunch and seeing alvin and the chipmunks movie. everything is certainly bigger in the south, including the popcorn..not sure the pic even does justice, but we all shared and still had plenty left over. (and that's saying a lot due to the fact i mostly just go for the popcorn :). dylan picked out his thomas cake and wanted thomas but it could've easily been a buzz lightyear party. he was pretty excited to get his buzz tent and he and i had fun that night and slept in it! i've been thankful that he's made a friend (pic), jonjon down here we've been able to see a couple times and was able to come to his party. sweet boy and actually his age, so i'm looking forward to that relationship developing.

i can't talk enough about this kid, i could go on and on..but i'm so incredibly privelaged to have been chosen to be his mom! he's amazing, compassionate, sensitive, loving and sweet. and now he's 4!

more updates to come......

An Award

An award

Today I got a pleasant surprise while checking my blogs. A long time friend Jamie gave me a beautiful blogger award. Its sweet coming from her, because she's such a beautiful person, wonderful woman of God and amazing mom.

Along with this award, I'm supposed to reveal seven random things about me. Hold on people!

1. I have a desire to take contemporary dance lessons and wish I had the money to do it, I would!

2. Two professions I'd love to have, first and foremost, go on tour with Matt Redman (i'm totally ok singing backup - just worshipping with someone who leads so amazingly and singing with crowds of 10,000s is a glimpse of heaven and nothing to me is more beautiful)...and I'd love to be a wedding planner. I love to plan and organize and to think of helping someone put in the details to make their day special and as meaningful as it is would be so fun!

3. I enjoy Rodeo's! Don't ask me why, but i love them and love it when i catch one on tv!

4. When I was little my bros and sis' and i would make homemade tents and sneak down the pickle jar, eat all the pickles and then drink the juice..no worries i don't/couldn't do that now.

5. Every Christmas Eve I watch White Christmas. It was a tradition with my mom and it's by far my fav Christmas movie and now its a tradition of our fam.

6. I still have and even sometimes where a nightgown that i've had since jr. high.

7. I really desire to go to Kenya to volunteer in an orphanage for short term missions. I actually told ben that's what he could do for my 30th bday, just send me for a couple weeks..i'm not banking on it, but praying God gives me the opportunity some day.

Thanks Jam! Now I get to give this award to seven other bloggers!
Bring the Rain
Ramblings from a Ragamuffin
A Gallery of Words
The Vails' Tails
What More Can I Say
This is My Life
Peanut Butter Jam

speechless

it's going to seem long but PLEASE hang with me..testament to a mighty move of God!

so i've been listening in to the video feed from passion2010 conference that was held in atlanta these last few days. ben and i were blessed to have attended a few years ago, but if you haven't gone and are 25 or under (or older and can go as a sponsor) i HIGHLY recommend. i've never experienced anything like it. enough about that. but below i'll attach their link if your not familiar so you can read of their heart beat and what they are helping college student around the world accomplish for the Kindgom and how God is using this gathering to propel 22,000 college students this year back to 1,100 colleges represented filled with God and the heartbeat for his kingdom!!!!!

you can read about all the causes they were being a part of this year on the website, but the overall goal was to raise $500,000 for these causes...as of yesterday morning, walking into the session COLLEGE STUDENTS had raised $668,597.95!!! because they could put the money towards any cause they wanted, some, even though surpassed the goal were not met. louie was praying on his way to the morning session that God would rise up and fully fund each cause before the morning was over...10 ft. after the prayer was said, he got a text from a friend, someone at the conference who was standing with some people who were NOT part of the conference, but heard what the students there were accomplishing for the kingdom and asked him to call. so he called with a couple min. to give on the phone and he said these people are so moved by what these students are doing for God that they want to match dollar for dollar what they have given, $562,000. Louie went on to tell him that actually the new total was the 668,597.95, so if they want to match they'll have to move up their match amt. and the person on the phone said hold on, let me check....came back on and said. IT'S DONE!

louie continued to announce to a ROARING stadium that because THEY had obeyed in responding to the move of God, God was going to not just fully fund each cause, but double fund them!!!!!!! i started to cry...it was overwhelming to hear....

i thought two things. DON'T COUNT OUT THIS GENERATION as selfish kids who don't care about the church or the kingdom...they long to be a part and when they are given a chance to come face to face to him will give all they have (and lets face it, over half a million dollars for college students is a miracle).

second: i was reminded that sometimes God is waiting on our reponse in order for a miracle to happen. those students responding like they did is what caused those people interest, what gave THEM a passion/desire to take part in this way in the Kingdom...what if God is waiting on us...you, so he can work miracles..so he can move, so he can do something amazing?

all i know is that i want to obey. when he calls, i want to go, when he asks, i want to give, when he prompts, i want to move...i pray my faith is so rooted and so grounded that without question, i will...and then i'll trust him for the other half of the miracle.

PRAISE GOD!!!!!
check these three links out
http://www.268generation.com/passion2010/

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&suggest&note_id=236723288841#/photo.php?pid=4619960&id=274645974921

matt redmans song that really spoke to me during these sessions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfzJyuFzyVE&feature=related

oh and btw, in efforts to leave an impression on the city of Atlanta that God was there, they wanted to stock the homeless with socks and towels, something they were told was needed, and in doing so, are giving the homeless in atlanta 72,600 pairs of socks and 14,820 towels....

This is actually a post that a friend posted on her blog.
I was just going to post a link to her blog, but wasn't sure if people who weren't friends with her could read it. I repost it because I felt myself here when i read this. Ben and i gathered with some friends the other night for a time of worship and prayer and my request to them was that I needed God in a miraculous way. My spirit has grown weary...and I continue to press, I continue to worship, but I'm so weary. The enemy has saught to use the death of lisa to introduce crisis after crisis in our lives...i recognize these as him, but i have to admit, 14 months of it later, and i'm really tired, waiting for what it will be next. I DO continue to trust him to move miraculously in my life and to be the lifter of my head....Sarah wrote so beautifully....

There's a line from a Christmas song that keeps rolling around in my head this year. It's tucked into "O Holy Night". You'll recognize it, I'm sure.

. . . the weary world rejoices . . .

Some days I'm just overcome with the weariness of this world. The weight of sadness that so many experience daily. That I experience daily.

And yet, I rejoice. Why? Because God is teaching me so many things as I work through my grief. Because He is good and has blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Because He is using me in spite of my very elementary understanding of Him.

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.

Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground before God.

Job 1:20

I studied this verse this morning. Job lost everything, all at the same time. His wealth, his family, his health. And yet, in his grief, he worshiped.

"Is it realistic to think that you and I can worship God, not after we've figured it all out, but as our initial reaction to loss in our lives? Job shows us it is. Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives; it simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings. We worship God because he is worthy, not because we necessarily feel like it. And as we worship in the midst of our pain, we are able to gain perspective on that pain. This is a costly worship-- which makes it all the more worthwhile and precious to God." -- Nancy Guthrie from her book Hope, p. 34 (bold mine)

This Christmas I am weary. I don't understand the path that my life is taking. But I do trust Him. Even though I don't understand and even though it takes every fiber in my being to reach out to God in my pain, I will worship. I will rejoice. I will sing.

Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

1 Peter 4:1-2

staking my sword

embracing the words to "gratitude" - this cd is amazing..the flesh wrestles and in those moments, we press further into the Spirit and the truth we know despite our emotions.

advent conspiracy

ben and i got to participate in something really neat today/tonight. i'll give you a short background first.

we decided as a church this year to join the advent conspiracy movement. a group of churches who have chosen to make a conscious effort to bring the meaning of christmas back into practical life. not just talking about what the real reason of christmas is, but to participate in it, by sacrificing some of the material things christmas involves and pouring it into someone else that actually needs it. one shocking statistic: $450 BILLION dollars was spent on christmas last year...in order to solve the worlds clean water problem (which is the cause of most deaths in third world countries), it would take $10 billion....something to chew on. check out the website to see more on this movement, but we decided as a church to participate in it by adopting a family in need this year in our community. there are only 10 of us right now, but we could do SOMETHING. so we found a single mom of 4 kids.

as a church we collected money and would give them the christmas they hoped to have...and it was pulled off! ben and the kids and i went this afternoon and shopped for toys. it was so neat to explain to dylan what we were doing and to have him participate in picking out toys for the kids, helping us wrap them and then tonight, dropping them off. we weren't really sure what to expect, we just wanted them to know God loved them and cared about them...they were SO grateful. they even wanted us to stay to be able to watch them open their gifts and i have to say it was one of the best things to see those kids be so excited about things they most wanted this year!

you know, we didn't really feel like we (ben and i) had anything to give. in fact, we're not doing xmas this year because we don't have it...but we could give something, we could get a toy for a child, we could. we wouldn't starve by putting the money out there, and even though we may feel like we have nothing sometimes, only because its not all we desire, we do, and we're blessed. my kids will have presents this christmas.

i love that this type of compassion is in the blueprints of our newstart Ebenezer Church of the Nazarene. as our leadership team was developing our core values, we decided that a large percentage of our church income would go towards community ministry, because there is more to meeting the needs of people than just inside of four walls...and tonight i was a part of that becoming a reality and i was blessed.

sidenote: on our way to the house to drop off the gifts, dylan said, "after we give them their presents mom, can we sing, "we wish you a merry christmas?"....God has given that boy such compassion and i love watching it.