This is actually a post that a friend posted on her blog.
I was just going to post a link to her blog, but wasn't sure if people who weren't friends with her could read it. I repost it because I felt myself here when i read this. Ben and i gathered with some friends the other night for a time of worship and prayer and my request to them was that I needed God in a miraculous way. My spirit has grown weary...and I continue to press, I continue to worship, but I'm so weary. The enemy has saught to use the death of lisa to introduce crisis after crisis in our lives...i recognize these as him, but i have to admit, 14 months of it later, and i'm really tired, waiting for what it will be next. I DO continue to trust him to move miraculously in my life and to be the lifter of my head....Sarah wrote so beautifully....

There's a line from a Christmas song that keeps rolling around in my head this year. It's tucked into "O Holy Night". You'll recognize it, I'm sure.

. . . the weary world rejoices . . .

Some days I'm just overcome with the weariness of this world. The weight of sadness that so many experience daily. That I experience daily.

And yet, I rejoice. Why? Because God is teaching me so many things as I work through my grief. Because He is good and has blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Because He is using me in spite of my very elementary understanding of Him.

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.

Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground before God.

Job 1:20

I studied this verse this morning. Job lost everything, all at the same time. His wealth, his family, his health. And yet, in his grief, he worshiped.

"Is it realistic to think that you and I can worship God, not after we've figured it all out, but as our initial reaction to loss in our lives? Job shows us it is. Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives; it simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings. We worship God because he is worthy, not because we necessarily feel like it. And as we worship in the midst of our pain, we are able to gain perspective on that pain. This is a costly worship-- which makes it all the more worthwhile and precious to God." -- Nancy Guthrie from her book Hope, p. 34 (bold mine)

This Christmas I am weary. I don't understand the path that my life is taking. But I do trust Him. Even though I don't understand and even though it takes every fiber in my being to reach out to God in my pain, I will worship. I will rejoice. I will sing.

Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

1 Peter 4:1-2

staking my sword

embracing the words to "gratitude" - this cd is amazing..the flesh wrestles and in those moments, we press further into the Spirit and the truth we know despite our emotions.

advent conspiracy

ben and i got to participate in something really neat today/tonight. i'll give you a short background first.

we decided as a church this year to join the advent conspiracy movement. a group of churches who have chosen to make a conscious effort to bring the meaning of christmas back into practical life. not just talking about what the real reason of christmas is, but to participate in it, by sacrificing some of the material things christmas involves and pouring it into someone else that actually needs it. one shocking statistic: $450 BILLION dollars was spent on christmas last year...in order to solve the worlds clean water problem (which is the cause of most deaths in third world countries), it would take $10 billion....something to chew on. check out the website to see more on this movement, but we decided as a church to participate in it by adopting a family in need this year in our community. there are only 10 of us right now, but we could do SOMETHING. so we found a single mom of 4 kids.

as a church we collected money and would give them the christmas they hoped to have...and it was pulled off! ben and the kids and i went this afternoon and shopped for toys. it was so neat to explain to dylan what we were doing and to have him participate in picking out toys for the kids, helping us wrap them and then tonight, dropping them off. we weren't really sure what to expect, we just wanted them to know God loved them and cared about them...they were SO grateful. they even wanted us to stay to be able to watch them open their gifts and i have to say it was one of the best things to see those kids be so excited about things they most wanted this year!

you know, we didn't really feel like we (ben and i) had anything to give. in fact, we're not doing xmas this year because we don't have it...but we could give something, we could get a toy for a child, we could. we wouldn't starve by putting the money out there, and even though we may feel like we have nothing sometimes, only because its not all we desire, we do, and we're blessed. my kids will have presents this christmas.

i love that this type of compassion is in the blueprints of our newstart Ebenezer Church of the Nazarene. as our leadership team was developing our core values, we decided that a large percentage of our church income would go towards community ministry, because there is more to meeting the needs of people than just inside of four walls...and tonight i was a part of that becoming a reality and i was blessed.

sidenote: on our way to the house to drop off the gifts, dylan said, "after we give them their presents mom, can we sing, "we wish you a merry christmas?"....God has given that boy such compassion and i love watching it.

christmas crafts

i sadly report that my last post wasn't it. we DID however get an offer from the lady who looked at our home, but she must have mistaken us for someone who had owned the home for 30 years and had practically nothing left to pay on it for what she offered. we countered, but she wasn't able to come anywhere near our bottom line i guess...so...we still own a home in Michigan and we're still renting here in SC.


on a lighter note, dylan is more excited about christmas this year than ever (i mean, all i have to compare excitement is age 1 and 2, lol). but it is SO fun with him. i've determined 3, almost 4 is the perfect age for enjoying christmas with a child. i learned from Erica's example and made a christmas countdown calendar with dylan and used little candy canes as a good reminder of what Christmas is. he anxiously awaits to wake up every morning to pull off another candy cane and find out how many days are left.

we've been doing a good amount of christmas crafts too, as he's really into cutting and gluing. its been a lot of fun and some good time for just us to spend together while grahm is napping.


i can't believe he turns 4 in just three weeks...that means we start thinking preschool next fall. ben and i talked about that the other day and it was sweet to hear him say. "i'm not sure if i'm ready to handle him going to school yet". boy they grow up fast!

Let This Be It!

Yesterday I made a few observations that i wanted to share, then i'll get to the title of my post:
1 - It seems really weird to have hired landscaping people still mowing green grass as I pass businesses, it's December!
2 - People in the south truly ARE much more friendly or God is forming a relationship with the lady at the post office we see several times a week after she talked to me about us getting into our new location and then before i left said "let me know when you get in there if you guys need any help, ok? really."
3 - ok, there was a third, and no i can't remember it...so sad.

Now to my title. ben talked with our realtor who is handling our home in MI. and we had a third showing on the house today! praying that God lets this be it!!! That they make an offer and we can get out from underneath it...hope we have an offer heading our way within the next couple of days!

confessions

don't worry. i don't have anything terrible to share as my title may lead you on to believe. but i have to confess i've been in a state of complaint lately, which is why i haven't posted. i've sadly had nothing positive to say, and although my flesh wants to justify that argument due to the many circumstances we are walking through at the moment, my Spirit knows better and otherwise and I've been battling those emotions heavily for the last week. its so frustrating to feel the way i've felt, to constantly be in that battle of dying to your flesh. i know that's a daily thing we do, but i think its tested so well when you feel like you can't find any solid ground to stand on and your struggling to remain positive (and i know, God is my solid ground...but i have to admit, this last week i've struggled to remain hopeful - again, realize that's my flesh speaking...i know the truth behind those emotions). i'm ashamed to say i've failed that test.

i've really felt like the last 14 months which started with lisa's death has just continued to be a struggle...everything that tore me apart and continues to with that circumstance continues to come with me like a ball and chain around my ankle, and life continues to get so heavy in every area. this week its just gotten too heavy to drag around..life that is...Lord i really need freed from this rut! i'm beggin you to move!

ironically as sad as this post may feel, my Spirits are up and i'm ready to confront the attitude i've carried for the last several days. my circumstances remain the same and i'm as frustrated with them as ever...but my Hope has not left me, He remains the same and I'm choosing to embrace the Hope to which he's given and called me to. My life is in His hands. The circumstances I find myself in are because of my OBEDIENCE to him, not disobedience...therefore i can rest and trust that there is an end to all of this.

In the meantime, I continue to be shown the love of my Father through Dylan and Grahm. Grahm is starting to talk some, it's adorable, and Dylan is really beginning to comprehend so many things and there are days that I see glimpses of a boy rather than a toddler. I'm loving both of their ages right now, they bring so much joy! I really am blessed with the best best best family...ben and i always tell each other, as long as we have each other, we can make it through anything...i'm remembering that tonight...we DO have eachother, and we WILL make it.

i couldn't even find a title for my post. i still don't have anything to say...its a bit frustrating but nothing to be worked up about i guess. some randomness...we need to decide on a rental home within the next two weeks cause we have to give 60 days notice here. the thought of packing up what we chose to put here in the townhouse is not appealing at all!

lisa's bday is this thursday.....i just went on a ladies retreat in myrtle beach this weekend with a good friend, and it was great, but had some hard moments as my last time away for a weekend was with her, scrapbook weekend..memories.

i had some delayed bday money come my way and got a few new things for the wardrobe...

i think ben and i have decided somewhere in the carribbean will be our destination to celebrate our 10 yr. next year..MUCH cheaper flights mean more money to spend and enjoy activities while we're there...we are DEFINATELY renewing our vows while there, and i'm packing my wedding dress and am so excited to fulfill that dream i've always wanted to do on my 10th:)

hopefully next time i come to the page, it'll be something a bit more productive...