Not invisible to God

wow it's been a long time..i often come to this page wanting to write and know there is so much i could say but somehow find myself with a blank thought and end up not writing.

today, this is much more "therapy" than it is "news", haha.

do you ever feel like you're invisible? like you're seen as something diff. than what you are, that the expectation of what you'll do, take care of, what you value, or accomplish is just totally unseen, or misunderstood. I must confess (with brutal honesty) that I felt that way today. that I was taking care of situations that weren't suppose to be my responsibility, that I was talked to in a way that implied a lack of desire for something and little care for others or my family. I spent an entire day doing such things and then encountered an interaction that seemingly came from no where...we have a tendency to say "she's just having an emotional day", except i'm not...i'm not at all emotional about what took place today, other than feeling utterly invisible and misunderstood. angry at the way i feel misunderstood...when my priority is the exact opposite than what i felt confronted in today...it's just.frustrating.
and i know...i shouldn't be talking with such strong emotion, no pastors wife (or mother) ever feels this way right? :) why do we pretend we don't..and why is it wrong when we do? if someone else could just walk in these shoes for a few weeks..jungle this schedule and never disappoint anyone and make sure you're giving yourself fully to your family first while making everyone else feel as significant as they are (and they really are).....i just.felt.invisible.
i've felt the absence of my sister lisa the last several days and i think days like these feel so bad because she is one i never felt misunderstood by...i want to pick up the phone and have her talk me through how to wade through things...i just. miss. her.
i'm grateful that i can sit here, and write these words down knowing that my God is sitting next to me on my couch, probably in his pj's too :) and that i'm not invisible to him...i know he felt this way sometimes, i think he can relate to the exact emotion i'm feeling right now.
i was challenged yesterday when psalm 51:15 was just BRIEFLY mentioned in the sermon and wonder, if he were to open my lips, if my mouth would declare his praises right now...i've held them pretty tight today :)...but you know...i sit tonight and say thank you God, for being faithful in loving me, for seeing me and for being the constant that sees who Angela is, even when others don't. thank you Lord for being steadfast and for being my rock...thank you Lord that to you, I'm never invisible.

bank "D"

i'm often so amazed at the conversations that dylan and i have, and for whatever reason, they are always in the car. probably because he finds himself sitting still and having time to think. today's topics were hell and bank "d".
dylan asked, "are there people in the world who never go to the beach or ever get to get ice cream?"
i responded, "yes there are"
dylan, "why?"
"because some people don't have the money. mommies and daddies have to work to have money, some people don't have enough and some mommies and daddies can't find anyone who will let them work for money"
dylan, "that's so sad! i wish i had another bank, like a "D". (dylan currently has an "A" a "B" and a "C" bank, one for Jesus, one for savings and one for spending.) then i could put money in there to give to someone who needs it, so they can get some food or something."
"we have an extra bank dylan, do you remember? the big jar in the office."
dylan, "oh yah, the one that we're saving for water?"
"yep, to help someone get clean water. but if you want to have a bank "D" then we can make one if you want to save money to give to someone that needs it."
dylan, "ok! yah can we make it when we get home?"
"yep!"

i sat and thought how compassionate this little boy is becoming, how aware he is of the world around him and where God is going to take him with this kind of heart. so tonight, we set up a bank "D" in which dylan can set aside some money to give to someone that could use some help, some food, or just be able to take that trip to the beach they may not get otherwise. i pray my heart never loses this type of compassion.

the hell conversation can be saved for another time :)

How do you do it?

its been a great day, but i can't help shake the weight and guilt of not getting my to do list done...ok let's be honest, even started. i have SO much to do in the next two days! i haven't put any of my 4 hrs. of work in today. i have some catch up to do with bible study (which is tomorrow), need to get media and worship set for this week for church and find some place in town that we can get palm branches from for church sunday...yet i chose to ignore the big list in my face today and just spend it with my kids and OUT of the house. it's been GREAT! but i can't help but feel the pile of stuff on me and the anxiousness of finding time for it all in the next two days..so how do you do it? how do you stop and find time to breathe and just take a day to enjoy being a mom and do something you actually want to do and NOT feel guilty about it? i definately believe you have to, i strongly believe its a necessity..but how do you shake the feeling that tries to and sometimes does rob you of the joy you get from days like these?

i leave in two days to fly to Indy all by myself to meet my new niece alaina!!! i can't WAIT to hold her! i've never flown by myself without ben or lugging 4 other bags of snacks and toys to occupy..just my carryon and me. i can't wait! sadly now i'm dreading the next 48 hrs in which i'll be cramming so much in. if you read my last post, i'm continuing my process..i'm taking steps back to living and not just surviving...just now wondering how to get back to living without the guilt...i don't know, maybe its just anxiousness of what taking a day away from the to do list means..really late nights..i don't know. sometimes i wonder how i got to this place...this type of routine hasn't been all i've known..but it has since the new year...trying to get back is all...

i'm surely open to any thoughts on relieving the guilt/anxiousness...that aside, its been a great day! i love my boys and the fun we've had together today, and i've loved getting back to making this house feel like home...

life as it was intended

i won't bore you with the history of all the things that have taken my time away from writing, i'm here and that's what counts right? we've had so much change (yes, again) in the last few months..some of which included vacationing for our 10 yr. anniversary..so much to relive, i'll just sum it up by saying it was all i could have ever dreamed of and more! if you haven't yet, and interested in seeing pictures, you can check out the two albums on my fb page, turks and caicos and our vow renewal. we got home, made a trip home for the holidays and moved into a rental home two weeks later. it's so great to be back in a home again..i wish it was ours, but we continue to wait for God to sell our home in MI..however, i'll certainly take this, and the kids LOVE having a back yard!

on to the real reason i sat at the computer tonight to write. i've been struggling a bit lately..struggling to avoid feeling like a resource and living life as i know God intended it to be lived..not enduring but thriving. some things have been unavoidable, some have been necessary and others i've brought on myself in fear of what would happen if i didn't...regardless of the excuse, God is preparing my mind and heart for change...don't know how yet, but i know it must come. despite the heaviness i've felt like i've been living in..there have been BEAUTIFUL moments of breath, and that's my point for writing..to share the life that's been here the last few months. besides just the moments of joy, some of the highlights include going to a worship night with kari jobe (from which i have no pics), dylan starting his first season of soccer and a visit from dear friends. here are some pictures of the beautiful moments in my life these last few months.

my three superheros

making brownies with dylan

enjoying Popsicles outside (yes in march)

more superheros..one ready for bed

watching my boys sit together

sharing a day of memories and passing them on as i pulled out some of my old stuffed animals and gave them to dylan

beginning to teach dylan how to play guitar and then watching dylan and daddy worship with their guitars before church one sun. morning

bringing dylan to his first soccer practice

watching them create memories with friends

God reminded me as i worshiped him with kari jobe that night about abandonment...worship freely..love openly, give abundantly and enjoy life! this is life as it was intended to be...lived.

where has time gone

wow, i can't believe i haven't written a thing since november. that's sad. although i will say i can't remember a busier 4 months in my life! 10 day anniversary vacation, holidays, moving...just here to say i'm still alive and i plan to give a quick update here soon! in the meantime, i love catching up on everyones life and getting lots of fun and creative tips, keep them coming :)

days like these make the rainbow look bright

its funny...i've been meaning to write a new blog and i knew i had started one and saved the draft to finish later, but had forgotten what it was about. i sat tonight to finish that entry and when i came back to it, all that was there was a title "days like these make the rainbow look bright"......i have no idea what i was planning to follow that with but it made me smile. it said something to me, particularly in circumstances we learned about and are now walking in today.

today isn't one of those "seeing the rainbow days" but i'm reminded that the rainbow is always there. all we have to do is allow the Son to shine on our rain and there it is. in the midst of uncertainty, in the midst of clouds and rain, he does something beautiful when we take our eyes off what appears to be hopeless or discouraging and look to the Light...that's when you'll see a rainbow..that's when you'll be reminded of His promise...and that's when you'll discover that days like these make the rainbow look bright.

so im turning my face towards the Son, so i can see the rainbow....

just 6 weeks

six weeks from today i'll be hopping on a plane with just my man to enjoy a LONG awaited vacation. i have to admit, it's much of what i think about these days. it's the sunshine. not that i'm sitting here drowning in darkness...it's just stress..but feel like we've been sitting in this stress for the last two years of our life...in a matter of 4 weeks i had a baby, ben resigned from his pastorate with no awaiting job/income, we put our home up for sale, i suddenly found myself without my sister and we were having our first meeting in SC. it was every major stressor on "the list" other than a divorce, which i remember jokingly telling ben he didn't want to try that with me right then :). felt like my/our life flipped upside down in one month and sometimes i feel like i haven't recovered...it just went from there. one whirlwind after another..one adjustment after another. for fear of sounding pitiful i won't list them, but sometimes i feel like i haven't really been able to catch my breath since that all happened.

i continue to see God's had in our life. this vacation is one of those that i can now see the reason for the timing..the reason why we started planning when we did, so it would be that we'd take it now. we need it (and i know, who doesn't need a vacation, we all do). but we need it. feel like we need to regroup, refresh, have 2 min. of freetime to step back and breathe in this "new" reality of our life (all of it really)....and my marriage needs it. don't hear that wrong :) to say the last two years has brought a lot of stress is an understatement. God has been so faithful in our relationship, and I'm still amazed by a couple of things 1 - how gracious, loving and patient my husband has been with me and 2 - that God would bless me with a man such as he.

really grateful when God allows me to see His hand at work, when your feeling like your down to the last thread....God i can hold on for six more weeks, but you really did bring it at just the right time. he really does go before us, he really does provide what we need JUST when we need it. it's not always 10 days, but this time, i'm thankful for his extra big measure of grace and blessing to grant it to me.