This Side of the Rainbow

bank "D"

2011-06-14T16:27:00.000-07:00

i'm often so amazed at the conversations that dylan and i have, and for whatever reason, they are always in the car. probably because he finds himself sitting still and having time to think. today's topics were hell and bank "d".
dylan asked, "are there people in the world who never go to the beach or ever get to get ice cream?"
i responded, "yes there are"
dylan, "why?"
"because some people don't have the money. mommies and daddies have to work to have money, some people don't have enough and some mommies and daddies can't find anyone who will let them work for money"
dylan, "that's so sad! i wish i had another bank, like a "D". (dylan currently has an "A" a "B" and a "C" bank, one for Jesus, one for savings and one for spending.) then i could put money in there to give to someone who needs it, so they can get some food or something."
"we have an extra bank dylan, do you remember? the big jar in the office."
dylan, "oh yah, the one that we're saving for water?"
"yep, to help someone get clean water. but if you want to have a bank "D" then we can make one if you want to save money to give to someone that needs it."
dylan, "ok! yah can we make it when we get home?"
"yep!"

i sat and thought how compassionate this little boy is becoming, how aware he is of the world around him and where God is going to take him with this kind of heart. so tonight, we set up a bank "D" in which dylan can set aside some money to give to someone that could use some help, some food, or just be able to take that trip to the beach they may not get otherwise. i pray my heart never loses this type of compassion.

the hell conversation can be saved for another time :)

How do you do it?

2011-04-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

its been a great day, but i can't help shake the weight and guilt of not getting my to do list done...ok let's be honest, even started. i have SO much to do in the next two days! i haven't put any of my 4 hrs. of work in today. i have some catch up to do with bible study (which is tomorrow), need to get media and worship set for this week for church and find some place in town that we can get palm branches from for church sunday...yet i chose to ignore the big list in my face today and just spend it with my kids and OUT of the house. it's been GREAT! but i can't help but feel the pile of stuff on me and the anxiousness of finding time for it all in the next two days..so how do you do it? how do you stop and find time to breathe and just take a day to enjoy being a mom and do something you actually want to do and NOT feel guilty about it? i definately believe you have to, i strongly believe its a necessity..but how do you shake the feeling that tries to and sometimes does rob you of the joy you get from days like these?

i leave in two days to fly to Indy all by myself to meet my new niece alaina!!! i can't WAIT to hold her! i've never flown by myself without ben or lugging 4 other bags of snacks and toys to occupy..just my carryon and me. i can't wait! sadly now i'm dreading the next 48 hrs in which i'll be cramming so much in. if you read my last post, i'm continuing my process..i'm taking steps back to living and not just surviving...just now wondering how to get back to living without the guilt...i don't know, maybe its just anxiousness of what taking a day away from the to do list means..really late nights..i don't know. sometimes i wonder how i got to this place...this type of routine hasn't been all i've known..but it has since the new year...trying to get back is all...

i'm surely open to any thoughts on relieving the guilt/anxiousness...that aside, its been a great day! i love my boys and the fun we've had together today, and i've loved getting back to making this house feel like home...

life as it was intended

2011-03-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

i won't bore you with the history of all the things that have taken my time away from writing, i'm here and that's what counts right? we've had so much change (yes, again) in the last few months..some of which included vacationing for our 10 yr. anniversary..so much to relive, i'll just sum it up by saying it was all i could have ever dreamed of and more! if you haven't yet, and interested in seeing pictures, you can check out the two albums on my fb page, turks and caicos and our vow renewal. we got home, made a trip home for the holidays and moved into a rental home two weeks later. it's so great to be back in a home again..i wish it was ours, but we continue to wait for God to sell our home in MI..however, i'll certainly take this, and the kids LOVE having a back yard!

on to the real reason i sat at the computer tonight to write. i've been struggling a bit lately..struggling to avoid feeling like a resource and living life as i know God intended it to be lived..not enduring but thriving. some things have been unavoidable, some have been necessary and others i've brought on myself in fear of what would happen if i didn't...regardless of the excuse, God is preparing my mind and heart for change...don't know how yet, but i know it must come. despite the heaviness i've felt like i've been living in..there have been BEAUTIFUL moments of breath, and that's my point for writing..to share the life that's been here the last few months. besides just the moments of joy, some of the highlights include going to a worship night with kari jobe (from which i have no pics), dylan starting his first season of soccer and a visit from dear friends. here are some pictures of the beautiful moments in my life these last few months.

my three superheros

making brownies with dylan

enjoying Popsicles outside (yes in march)

more superheros..one ready for bed

watching my boys sit together

sharing a day of memories and passing them on as i pulled out some of my old stuffed animals and gave them to dylan

beginning to teach dylan how to play guitar and then watching dylan and daddy worship with their guitars before church one sun. morning

bringing dylan to his first soccer practice

watching them create memories with friends

God reminded me as i worshiped him with kari jobe that night about abandonment...worship freely..love openly, give abundantly and enjoy life! this is life as it was intended to be...lived.

where has time gone

2011-03-07T19:47:00.001-08:00

wow, i can't believe i haven't written a thing since november. that's sad. although i will say i can't remember a busier 4 months in my life! 10 day anniversary vacation, holidays, moving...just here to say i'm still alive and i plan to give a quick update here soon! in the meantime, i love catching up on everyones life and getting lots of fun and creative tips, keep them coming :)

days like these make the rainbow look bright

2010-11-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

its funny...i've been meaning to write a new blog and i knew i had started one and saved the draft to finish later, but had forgotten what it was about. i sat tonight to finish that entry and when i came back to it, all that was there was a title "days like these make the rainbow look bright"......i have no idea what i was planning to follow that with but it made me smile. it said something to me, particularly in circumstances we learned about and are now walking in today.

today isn't one of those "seeing the rainbow days" but i'm reminded that the rainbow is always there. all we have to do is allow the Son to shine on our rain and there it is. in the midst of uncertainty, in the midst of clouds and rain, he does something beautiful when we take our eyes off what appears to be hopeless or discouraging and look to the Light...that's when you'll see a rainbow..that's when you'll be reminded of His promise...and that's when you'll discover that days like these make the rainbow look bright.

so im turning my face towards the Son, so i can see the rainbow....

just 6 weeks

2010-10-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

six weeks from today i'll be hopping on a plane with just my man to enjoy a LONG awaited vacation. i have to admit, it's much of what i think about these days. it's the sunshine. not that i'm sitting here drowning in darkness...it's just stress..but feel like we've been sitting in this stress for the last two years of our life...in a matter of 4 weeks i had a baby, ben resigned from his pastorate with no awaiting job/income, we put our home up for sale, i suddenly found myself without my sister and we were having our first meeting in SC. it was every major stressor on "the list" other than a divorce, which i remember jokingly telling ben he didn't want to try that with me right then :). felt like my/our life flipped upside down in one month and sometimes i feel like i haven't recovered...it just went from there. one whirlwind after another..one adjustment after another. for fear of sounding pitiful i won't list them, but sometimes i feel like i haven't really been able to catch my breath since that all happened.

i continue to see God's had in our life. this vacation is one of those that i can now see the reason for the timing..the reason why we started planning when we did, so it would be that we'd take it now. we need it (and i know, who doesn't need a vacation, we all do). but we need it. feel like we need to regroup, refresh, have 2 min. of freetime to step back and breathe in this "new" reality of our life (all of it really)....and my marriage needs it. don't hear that wrong :) to say the last two years has brought a lot of stress is an understatement. God has been so faithful in our relationship, and I'm still amazed by a couple of things 1 - how gracious, loving and patient my husband has been with me and 2 - that God would bless me with a man such as he.

really grateful when God allows me to see His hand at work, when your feeling like your down to the last thread....God i can hold on for six more weeks, but you really did bring it at just the right time. he really does go before us, he really does provide what we need JUST when we need it. it's not always 10 days, but this time, i'm thankful for his extra big measure of grace and blessing to grant it to me.

Where You Go I Go

2010-09-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

a couple of months ago i got hooked on a worship song called "where you go i go" by kim walker (jesus culture). i've brought it to our community, but we sang it a lot at home at the time and before i knew it, grahm was picking it up. pretty simple words and most he could say pretty well, and one day he just busted out singing "where you go i go, what you say i say"...the first half of which he tends to like to repeat over and over and then adds in the second part when he's in the mood to actually sing the whole thing. of course there are all sorts of things i learned in that moment...i have to admit, i LOVE that my children pick that type of thing up! the lyrics are so powerful:

"where you go i go, what you say i say, what you pray i pray...jesus only did, what he saw you do, he would only speak, what he heard you speak, he would only move when he felt you lead, following your heart, following your spirit"

oh for my life to be nothing other than that, not speaking a word unless God spoke it first in me, ect...and then one day, i saw the song illustrated in a whole new light as the boys were playing. funny enough, grahm started singing the song shortly before the boys began playing together (which they have been doing so much more lately, and in an actual enjoyable manner...ok i've sidetracked).

Dylan jumped...
And so Grahm jumped...
Dylan demonstrated his super jumping powers by jumping over grahms table...so grahm of course had to give it a try...God reminded me in this moment what all us parents know, but don't always remember. and that is HOW MUCH we influence our children..their habits, their words, their actions, their REACTIONS and their priorities. just as grahm is on the heels of dylan these days, dylan is on our heels...i want to be a mom who speaks what God is speaking inside of me, to my children...to lead them where God is leading them.

And then i felt challenged by the moment..do i react to God like grahm reacts to dylan? is my priority to be on the heels of what he's doing, are my words his words? sometimes going where God is going is difficult, its a jump for Him....its sometimes awkward, climbing over and balancing on top, while my legs dangle on each side of the table as i safely get to the other side, for me...regardless of what it looks like, are you willing to make the journey?

i continue to be amazed at the ways God speaks to me through my children.

beds, pillows and superheros

2010-09-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

i spent a lot of my afternoon today cleaning,

picking up and doing laundry. dylan
sat at the computer
in our room
playing thomas the train (of course with grahm by his side watching)
while i started changing the sheets on our bed

and
suddenly i found myself enjoying
special moments with the boys. i have some
really soft flannel sheets i was putting on
and i could no more than get the fitted sheet on then find
them both crawling on top wanting to play.
i felt that doer in me want to tell them to get off so i could
continue accomplishing my tasks for the day
and then i remembered how much
more important these times are than my house to do list

we don't allow them to jump on the beds,
but falling and bouncing are perfectly acceptable :)

i loved watching them play so well together,
laugh, and watch grahm try and do EVERY thing dylan did
down to the words he was saying...i heard a lot of
"watch, watch, watch"

eventually they wore themselves out and i
was able to finish
making the bed. and then i got an idea. i told
dylan to grab a couple of the pillows and we made our way out to
the living room for our first pillow fight

grahm even tried participating...and then
they decided running into each other with their pillows
was much funnier.

they did this til they couldn't breathe
anymore from laughter, falling down every time
and of course nothing is
complete in our home these days without a superhero

to say dylan has been obsessed with all things
superhero lately is an understatement.
he's dubbed himself, super dylan, and more recently
superman dylan, because he's learned that
superman has a secret identity and no
one knows its really him when he goes and changes into his costume.
so tonight he had to have a cape
and do a little flying (although i don't encourage jumping off the couch
on a regular basis, i was feeling the moment)

i'm reminded in these type of moments that having and
making these memories are much more
important than a keeping my home spotless all the time.
i can say confidently i don't typically have a problem with those priorities
being switched, however, i sometimes find myself feeling self conscious over the decision
to not worry too much about it. but moments like these
help remind me why i'm making a good choice,
because one day, climbing up on my bed and
using their blanket as a cape won't be fun for them anymore
and i don't want to
miss out on the moments when they were.

Grahm Turned Two

2010-09-21T09:45:00.000-07:00

grahm turned 2 on saturday. i continue to be amazed at how much

a child can impact a life.

we spent the day celebrating with blues clues, trains, mini golfing
more trains and lots of love and laughter.
i was so grateful to have my inlaws here to help
us celebrate. milestones like these
just aren't the same without family.

he was brought into our lives just when we'd need his love
his affection, his hugs, his unrelenting joy
and despite how momentary the blessing of him felt at
the time
he continues to amaze me as his joy increases
and his hugs multiply

yet he walks through life with such confidence, such peace
as if he knows who God is speaking him to be...
and i love that.

if you've met him,
you've become his friend.
he loves people, and he loves to love.
he is fearless, and loves to explore the world.

i am so grateful God chose me to be his mommy,
to place him in our care,
to love on him, to laugh with him
and watch God shape him.

Happy birthday bubba!

today i could breathe a little

2010-09-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

so i'm there again, it's come....again...another wave of grief. thankfully today, i was able to feel God holding my head above water to get a breath and breathe a little bit. yesterday felt like drowning. 2 years ago yesterday was the last time i saw my sister..hugged her, gave her a kiss goodbye and watched her stand outside in the driveway and wave to us as we headed back home.....lots of memories of that weekend. i was pregnant with grahm, due in just two weeks. to think he never met her.................he was 2 weeks old when we went back for her funeral. the first several months of his life was such a blur, so much traveling...life was so much chaos this time of year 2 years ago it can be overwhelming to remember.

i see her in him all the time though...in his joy...in his unforgiving lack of awareness of what others think about his spontaneous dancing or the constant humming of a song..his laughter at the SIMPLEST things, the ease it takes to cuddle with him, the thousands of hugs he awards to us each day...i'm so grateful for God's timing when he gave us grahm, despite how ridiculous it seemed at the time. it was his way of wrapping his arms around me when i doubted he was there and letting me hug my sister when she wasn't there anymore.

i can't wait to throw my arms around her again....

coffee and conversation

2010-09-01T20:43:00.001-07:00

i love the simple things in life. how just sitting outside and having coffee with a friend can refresh your soul you know? feel like our life can be such hecticness sometimes, week to week things fill the schedule, and tonight i felt like i stepped out of my world for 3 hrs. and was able to sit, relax, and breathe a little. i was reminded by it how rare that is for me these days. how much i need it in my life. i watched ben play with the boys tonight (well we all wrestled for awhile..but i first observed some pretend fighting technique :) haha and i thought this is what life is about! i don't want to lose this ever! i pray i see and live these moments for what they are, that i take the time to soak them in cause they are passing so quickly....it's amazing how refreshed my soul can feel after some coffee and conversation with a friend!

i know planning is important, future, the big picture has tremendous value (especially for me :)..but God don't let me look so much ahead that i forget to look where I am and enjoy where I'm at. and thank you for my family...i couldn't love them more!

Change A Comin

2010-08-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

this morning ben and i (and grahm) brought dylan to his first day of preschool. i've had anxiety over the day the last couple of weeks mostly due to the school he ended up in wasn't our first choice. although we've heard really good things about it, and it being kind of second best, it didn't even seem to compare to our first choice (for which we have been #2 on the wait list for MONTHS). our classroom visit wasn't quite what i expected and so i found myself more nervous about the school than i was my own emotions or dylan's reaction (even though i had given plenty of thought to that). regardless, the circumstance wasn't changing, so it was now my choice to deal with it...so i surrendered it.
this morning began with an excited little boy who could hardly contain himself with the thought that he was going to SCHOOL...the place where all the kids who ride the bus go! on our way to school he asked what the name of his teacher was again and after i replied "miss gregory" he whispered to himself, "miss gregory, miss gregory, miss gregory" repeatedly in hopes to remember when he got there. and then something hit him...he made a comment about missing us while he was there and i could see the emotion flood his face...NERVOUSNESS...trying to hold back my own tears i told him it'd be ok and ben suggested we pray...so we did, and dylan proceeded to hold my hand the rest of the way there. despite that he is going to the only school in the world where they won't let you walk your child in the first day of school and are suppose to stay in the car while someone comes and gets him out and walks him in, i broke the rule today to get out to hug my baby boy...and again..his tears almost came. he gave me an extra tight squeeze and took the hand of the lady walking in as i said 'i love you'.

There he went..and our lives changed. i couldn't hold back the tears when i got in the car and headed home...i couldn't believe this day was here. i still can't believe it. i wonder if he'll make friends, or if his teacher will spot his sweet and compassionate spirit...will it get nurtured there at all? what surrounds him in that classroom that we've protected him from the last 4 years? i found myself really having to surrender him (again) to my Father this morning...to his continued care, protection, provision. it's fair to say that there is a lot to look forward to with the schoolyear...however, i'm not looking forward to dealing with and "deprogramming" him from the world in the coming years...but what parent does right?

this naturally thrusted me into being reminded that our lives are in His hands...he holds them, blesses them and protects them.

our lives seems to be in the season of change (again) with financial provision for our family...church plants often work on being funded financially for 3 years..with each year reducing in the amt (and i'm only expressing that so you don't think we're getting shafted :) unfortunately our body isn't in a position to yet help with a salary for ben, so he is looking to become bi-vocational. not ideal, not easy..not a lot of things...but i was reminded today in a text conversation with a friend after she commented that it didn't seem right. if we're serving God and walking in obedience, his blessing should be flowing, she said. and my first thought was I KNOW RIGHT??!!! and then God reminded me..he IS blessing, our bills are paid, our kids are clothed and we have food in our refrigerator. he's being faithful to the promise he has spoken...he is moving miraculously on our behalf to meet those needs and i'm so grateful! and his movement in that area reminds me and affirms in me that we ARE walking in obedience, because His hand is upon us. thank you God!

today has brought lots of change to our lives. this month has brought lots of change, but today, i too was reminded that my God is faithful..and just as i have walked in faith in my own journey, i now walk in that same faith with Dylan. i will pour my life into him, i will show him the face of Jesus and then i will trust my Father with Him.....yah...the tough part of parenting i think is just beginning....

Honest moments

2010-06-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

life pulls me along so quickly these days and then i sit to blog and am so overwhelmed with information i don't know where to start.....but i will say a good running theme the last month would be honest moments.

june 13th we had our launch service for the church. our core body had been meeting in our public space for a month, but we did a public launch. the friday before we handed out free coffee (our own brew) to people on their way to work, we set out info cards at local places, mailed them to some people we had met...sunday morning came and i was SO anxious...an honest moment where i questioned what God was doing in us..mostly in me...didn't feel good enough, educated enough, friendly enough...would people show, would i feel like a failure if we didn't have anyone new come...i had feared i would...could i be myself enough, how much i desired to do that and let my worship be free....God's loved poured out on us that morning, despite my feelings, worthiness and confidence and we worshipped him greatly! we had 10 first time visitors and began making connections...it's been great to report 2-6 new visitors have come each week since..1 repeat family, other's we'll see about...i'm amazed at the amount of growing i have to do in regards to trusting and being confident in what he's doing in me and who he's created me to be, despite the leaps i've taken the last 2 years...gaining it in the closet is one thing, stepping into the light with strength is another...thankfully his patience with me are as big as his arms.

aaaaand i'm 30...i've turned a corner...i didn't really have a problem with turning the big 3-0...but it was another honest moment. i walked away from my reflection TRULY feeling like i have everything in my life i EVER wanted. sure i may desire to be in a different place financially, but it actually was something i never dreamed of before, no goals for financial success...i had planned to be in ministry and maybe just knew ministry and financial success didn't go together, so never concerned myself with it. my biggest dreams were to marry a Godly man who loved music/arts and have healthy children..and my dreams are reality. God has granted the deepest desire of my heart! his blessings have overflowed...i'm not sure i could have a better family..be loved better by a husband and i see Gods fingerprints in my kids and am so grateful...i've realized in my "old age" i'm getting sappier and yes, even a bit bolder.

honest moment number three came this past week as i got to spend 5 days with my nieces (lis' girls) here in SC. they flew out to spend some time with us this summer. we hadn't seen them since last july before we moved and it was so great to have time with them again! we headed to the zoo yesterday and visited the botanical gardens there...so much of yesterday reminded me of my sister, she would've been taking pictures of so many flowers..stopping to smell all of them! chelsea sat in the back of the car with dylan singing all sorts of songs. one of which he wanted was "building up the temple"...which is one that lis taught to him.....i found myself able to stay in the moment most of the time but there were others i couldn't help but think that she should be here with us, laughing and singing...they got to see the church facility which i was really excited about, just wished she had been there too....my honest moment? i still miss her so deeply, need her so desperately and want the world stop sometimes and not forget her...

i've been told the 30s are your "glowing years"...i'm feelin good about that. i'm overwhelmed with gratefulness with where my life is, what God is doing in me, my marriage and in us and His Kingdom.

speechless

2010-06-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

we've welcomed our first interns this summer, two college students who are seeking a summer to walk alongside the church/ministers/leaders and disciplers to be discipled...to walk daily in authentic community, to live with, talk with, love with, break with and be completely vulnerable for God to shape and mold their hearts.

one of them has a blog, and wrote about his first service with us yesterday...for many different reasons i don't have a way to describe how it spoke to me...but it did, deeply....thanks for sharing Jordan, it ministered to me greatly.

read Sunday, June 6th post

p.s. we have our launch sunday coming this sunday, june 13th, appreciate the prayers as we tell the community we're here this week through radio, postcards, and our free coffee friday this friday morning where we hand out free coffee during the morning work commute (our own brew). for His renown!

May be days away

2010-05-12T17:31:00.001-07:00

well, the carpet for the church was installed yesterday, and we did final painting, caulking, and touch ups yesterday..ben is finishing some cleanup and installing some filters in the vents, and final inspections for the space are scheduled for tomorrow. if all goes well, we'll be approved for occupancy this sunday! that will bring on a couple of VERY busy days as we get tv and sound board installed, pick up mics, ect and setup for our first sunday in the building. i'll update when i know we'll be in for sure, but its been an exciting week to see the final touches coming together :)!!!

on the home front, the boys and i went with the moms club i joined here in town to fort gordon today for a cookout and pony rides. dylan has REALLY taken a liking to horses, i love to see his excitement and bravery. i'm not sure if its him or if its just cause boys tend to be more brave with these types of things, but i love to see his excitement. i've never been on an army base before, it's like it's own city!!! it's pretty crazy. we had a really good time. he's still quite shy with the other kids, we joined for us both to be able to make some friends here, so far, i'm branching out more than he is, and to be honest, it makes me pretty nervous for school this fall...but i'm praying "practice makes perfect" with him warming up a bit easier.

a BIG PRAISE: we found renters for our house in MI...they are moving in this weekend. they are also allowing us to keep the house on the market while they rent, they've signed a year lease, but have agreed to move out if the house is sold. it'll cover 3/4 of our house payment, which is a big blessing! really praying God would sell it before August and Ben's salary is reduced by the district. August will be bringing a lot of change around here, but I have plenty of time to think on that, so right now, I'm just enjoying the time and schedule we have.

I'll keep everyone posted on tomorrows inspections!

updates all around

2010-05-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

i'm not keeping up with this as much as i'd like, and feel like i have too much to update, so to avoid a novelty post, i'm gonna follow jamie's footsteps and give you an update rundown.

we are so close to having the church space renovated, carpet goes in sat. and then we'll start moving things in to have our first sunday in our new public space next sunday! super pumped, been a long journey: done lots of park days with the kids: easter was super fun this year, my sister pam and her family were here for spring break and got to do our egg hunt together: enjoyed a girls only beach day yesterday and i'm a little over baked, but was SO nice: ben goes hiking in the paria canyone for a week at the end of this month, trying to figure out what to do with myself for a week alone: the buyer for our house fell through last month, but God provided a renter who will be moving in the 15th, SO grateful! answer to prayer. keeping it on the market, so praying it'll still sell: dylan speaks often about wanting to be in heaven with jesus and how he misses him and wants to see him...God's really drawing his heart to Him and it's beautiful to watch: grahm is so hiliarous these days, he continues to fill our life with joy: i'm getting really excited for our 10 yr. anniversary trip towards the end of the year, we've been working on saving for it for 3 years (yes, really)...and even though its still months away, its much closer than it was 3 years ago :)

God continues to really stretch us here...still longing for a friend and friends for dylan, but do know that he has big things for us once we get into our space and people really know we're here, so really excited about what he has ahead. we're living exciting days!

updated pics of church renovation are on my facebook, see the Ebenezers folder.

we have glass!

2010-04-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

the front of our church has glass!!! the front of the building that was knocked out by a truck got put back together last wednesday, so we continue the work. ben has been there every day with the help of a couple of guys when they can make it, muddin and sanding and sanding and mudding...if only we could be in by the end of the month, but we may be pushin it, we're trying but lots of work still to do.

i will admit its tempting to look at ministers around us who look like they have the favor of God pouring out on them in every area of their life and here we sit in seemingly "destitute" circumstances. i don't really get it all except knowing what God spoke what we're doing here, and everything else i just throw into his lap and trust him with it and keep walking forward. i DO know that he is my hope, my song, my strength, my passion, my joy, my compassion and best friend...this is what faith is...we're living it and as he promised we are not without food or shelter, so we rejoice in his love.

life these days

2010-04-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

i've sat down so many times to update the blog and knew there was so much to update and just couldn't get myself to take the time, so tonight i am.

get ready there has been so much going on! interesting enough after the excitement in my last post and GREAT hopes to be in our bldg. by easter, we are not. it would've been the perfect time to have our first sunday, to celebrate, to be among those churches that holiday church goers have to choose from to attend that sunday. unfortunately, the delay came when our storefront neighbors moving truck backed into our side of the bldg., shattering our front door and pushing in all the other glass, which then had to come out. (see pic below)Soooo, all renovation took a hault for almost 3 weeks. I do happily report that we were able to get back in a couple of days ago and ben has been working hard on finishing the electric, which has been inspected and ok'd and then drywalling the bathrooms. Our glass should be put in next Wed. and hopefully we'll be in a couple weeks after that. This process has definately been slower than molasses, but the Kingdom of God here in Aiken IS advancing through Ebenezer Naz!! Here are a few more pics from the progress of the past couple of days. dylan loves to go and "help daddy work on the church building"...pic below he's helping chad, holding the wall so he can put the nails in. i love that he's a part of this.
there today with dad as he was sanding.
he got a little lesson in mudding and did a bit himself!
ben sanding what will be the bathrooms.
on a personal note, i started leading our ladies here in beth moore's "breaking free" study at the end of february. it could NOT have come into my life in better timing. i cannot emphasize enough how this study should be a part of EVERY woman's journey!!!!! this is CRUCIAL for both new believers foundations and for us who have been walking! God is doing amazing things in my life through this study and i'm grateful for the freedom i've found. i have to say i feel like i'm in the best place i've been in my life in a long time. the grief that comes with the loss of lisa lingers very much still, some days overwhelmingly...and that's to be expected, but i'm excited about where i am in my journey in everything else. and that feels good to say.
i've decided to give sewing a try. i picked up a purse pattern and some material/supplies the other day and a friend here let me borrow a sewing machine and i'm going to give it a whirl. i'd really like to see if its something i could do to create some income. people here would really go for handmade purses, thinking i may be able to sell in local shops down here, so we'll see how that goes. i'll make sure o document my progress :)

our home in michigan is STILL on the market..we're going on 19 months now, yep, you read that right. we thought 2 1/2 weeks ago we were on the journey to a sale, we were, and then the buyer backed out after we accepted his offer 2 weeks before the closing date. soooo we're back to square one. this obviously brings along questions, mostly why God would allow us to go so far in that process and feel that weight lift and allow us to think forward with housing here for it to not go anywhere...but, i'm choosing to believe that these are the things that continue to test our faith, to test our trust, and as much as this feels like he's giving us a stone when we've asked our father for bread, he has promised not to do so...so i'm choosing to rest in that somehow, beyond my understanding its bread...so we continue on.

on a random note, if i didn't know better, i'd think i had the nesting itch. i've been on a mission to declutter this townhouse, feeling more ok with getting rid of things than ever. it's been a GREAT feeling and have gone through about everything but the kitchen. i've cleaned things out and reorganized pretty much every closet! its good motivation to keep things that way, such a liberating feeling!

my kids continue to be amazing...warm weather here returned about 2 1/2 weeks ago and we've been enjoying several days at the park, which really has become our backyard, or yard at all since we don't have one. dylan's compassion, sensitivity and love for others keep showing itself on a regular basis and i am excited about how i see God shaping his heart already. Grahm continues to be a bundle of joy and the girl i've always wanted, haha. that boy is a mama's boy (which i have to say parts of me secretly love) and a bit of a drama queen which we're quickly seeking to tame before it gets out of control. he makes us laugh and smile all day though and seems to know those days when i need extra hugs. here's a few pics of our latest adventures.

dylan and i went with a group of kids to see a marionette puppet show, he loved it, particularly because it was all about dinosaurs.

my kids LOVE the slide!
a ride at the park today, grahm was so excited about his outfit today. the kid is obsessed with thomas. he loves carrying him around and typically only wants to play with him when he and dylan play trains. i think we have a small obsession on our hands. i showed him his shirt today and he immediately started humming the thomas tune!

the weekend brings some more excitement with my sister and her family coming into town for their spring break! dylan can't wait to have ariana here to play with, he's made lots of plans for us :). it'll be so great to have some family here and to have time for them to really see where we live and to spend time showing them around and enjoying the places we like to go. i hope to be better at getting this updated so they don't have to be so long. if you finished reading all this, thanks :).

Ebenezer Church of the Nazarene

2010-03-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

well, we've been here, meeting in our home for church, the boys in dylans room for class for the last 6 months, and after a very LONG process, we got the keys to our first church space yesterday!!!! wow..is it really happening? it is. in many ways we're SO ready, then sometimes i think, r we? getting that "third space"..neutral space, a community presence, brings us to a whole new level..busyness? commitment? we're about to really step into it (not that we haven't been walking it, believe me). i will admit, not having to make sure my house is spotless every sunday at 10am with two small boys who wake up at 7:30 is one of the blessings for this new change :). we started small groups (one men's, one woman's) this last week..the men are walking through jonh eldredges "fathered by God" which ben would advocate every man to read and the women are doing beth moores newly revised "breaking free" study...and i love the place we're at!

our desire is to bring the church back into the center of the community, to affect its surrounding, change it and help it become again the thing that shapes our society....it may look different than many are used to, but the truth is the same. we are compelled to be the redemptive force in our community...to walk alongside the broken, to serve and love without expectation, to help people discover the creativity that is in them is Gods glory shining inside of them and then call them into a journey beyond their dreams with Jesus!...talking about it makes me ready for revival :)

so , we're in a storefront, not a big space, but it's "ours" and we're going smack ourselves in the midst of our community and love them the best we know how. we're in a neat spot, right by the walmart and right next to a hair salon, who shares our building, so thousands of cars pass by our doors a day...although we hope their first time meeting us won't be inside that building. there is a bit of TLC that needed done, so we worked with the owner to exchange our labor for some rent..renovations started today (pics below)..we're hoping we can be in in a couple of weeks! stay tuned for more pics as renovation progresses. turning one bathroom into two..got walls studded and ready. one small step done!

i will admit, my sister is the missing piece in this journey/puzzle..she had been walking every step of this process with us and its difficult to experience these moments without her. i want her to see what Gods done, i want her here to celebrate with me and i've so needed her in the ups and downs this has all brought. i know how excited she'd be...she was a part of building my confidence to walk this faith journey out....
i am anxious to see how he plans to use this current community of 11 believers to change the world!
Join us where you are in proclaiming this prayer:

Lord, we stand here,as desperate people hungry for the things of You.

Come, quiet the storms that rage all around us

so that we hear the passion that beats in Your heart.

Spirit, put healing in our hands, put life in our words,

and drive a passion for the lost deep into the hearts of Your people.

Inhabit the praises of us, Your children

and Father, send us out with a reckless passion.

Deliver us from evil and set a standard of unity to break down walls

and to heal Your people.

Unity is the cry of Your church, Lord. Reconcile Your children to their Father,

and with forgiveness and mercy, rush through the hearts of our land.

We cry out our deep need for you, Jesus.

Oh God, come in power and bring glory to Your name.

one of those days

2010-02-15T21:06:00.000-08:00

its been one of those days... you know, where you feel like a failure as a mother. i was so impatient with my kids today...and it was one of those days where you almost already feel bad before the impatience comes out but you can't help it, your just pushed to the edge...i hate that!!!! i have to say, i see this side of me coming out more these days than i like..not that its all the time, just more than i like or am comfortable with. i almost feel like a switch flipped off with me after lisa passed and on the days my emotions are too overwhelming i just can't handle the kids when they feel overwhelming...i just can't. emotion about that is enough/all i can handle and anything above that just makes everything else magnified. i hate it......i put dylan to sleep tonight wondering if he thinks i'm a terrible mom, ect...and i know my emotion is running away from me here...i'm just reflecting and frustrated beyond belief at the mom i was today....ughhhh. i have the best children in the world!!! i want to be the mom they deserve every day! Lord help me be that...and help me to surrender those emotions when they feel more overwhelming than your voice on these days.

On a positive note, I had a magnificent valentine's day surprise from my husband! it could not have been better timing...but i woke yesterday morning to a bottle of sparkling cider that said "do not open until wed. feb. 17th...i opened the notd to say that we would be enjoying 3 days/2 nights alone at edisto beach (on the coast about 2 1/2 hrs. away). we know someone with a condo there that is letting us use it for those days...he planned it all, arranged it all and set up the kid sitting, ect...it could not have come at a better time. just the night before i said to him, "ugh. i just need some time away" sooo wed. morning, we're heading out and won't be returning til friday evening. i am SO excited!!! we haven't had a night to ourselves since our anniversary 2008 and a day since ben's bday in october! so i'm going to be soaking it up and praying i return a better parent.....

oh and a small update: i'm branching out, in hopes to connect and meet other moms in the community through a moms club here. i'm heading to my first mom's night out tomorrow. they hold them once a month and playgroups every week...its def. out of my comfort zone..but its time we do something and felt God pressing me towards it, so i'm trusting i'll make some friends and connect my kids with some others they can be friends with. tomorrow sounds fun. they're doing an amazing race night, so they're sending us all over town i guess :) thanks for listening....i'm being transformed day by day, and thankful that his mercies are made new every morning!

January - Dylan's BDay

2010-02-09T13:32:00.000-08:00

i'm way overdue for a post to say the least..but thought i'd get started by catching things up a little by sharing dylan's birthday. i can't believe he's four and we're looking at preschools. i'm not ready for this. but we had a great time celebrating with friends. we actually had his party a few days after his actual bday so we celebrated on the day with lunch and seeing alvin and the chipmunks movie. everything is certainly bigger in the south, including the popcorn..not sure the pic even does justice, but we all shared and still had plenty left over. (and that's saying a lot due to the fact i mostly just go for the popcorn :). dylan picked out his thomas cake and wanted thomas but it could've easily been a buzz lightyear party. he was pretty excited to get his buzz tent and he and i had fun that night and slept in it! i've been thankful that he's made a friend (pic), jonjon down here we've been able to see a couple times and was able to come to his party. sweet boy and actually his age, so i'm looking forward to that relationship developing.

i can't talk enough about this kid, i could go on and on..but i'm so incredibly privelaged to have been chosen to be his mom! he's amazing, compassionate, sensitive, loving and sweet. and now he's 4!

more updates to come......

An Award

2010-01-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

An award

Today I got a pleasant surprise while checking my blogs. A long time friend Jamie gave me a beautiful blogger award. Its sweet coming from her, because she's such a beautiful person, wonderful woman of God and amazing mom.

Along with this award, I'm supposed to reveal seven random things about me. Hold on people!

1. I have a desire to take contemporary dance lessons and wish I had the money to do it, I would!

2. Two professions I'd love to have, first and foremost, go on tour with Matt Redman (i'm totally ok singing backup - just worshipping with someone who leads so amazingly and singing with crowds of 10,000s is a glimpse of heaven and nothing to me is more beautiful)...and I'd love to be a wedding planner. I love to plan and organize and to think of helping someone put in the details to make their day special and as meaningful as it is would be so fun!

3. I enjoy Rodeo's! Don't ask me why, but i love them and love it when i catch one on tv!

4. When I was little my bros and sis' and i would make homemade tents and sneak down the pickle jar, eat all the pickles and then drink the juice..no worries i don't/couldn't do that now.

5. Every Christmas Eve I watch White Christmas. It was a tradition with my mom and it's by far my fav Christmas movie and now its a tradition of our fam.

6. I still have and even sometimes where a nightgown that i've had since jr. high.

7. I really desire to go to Kenya to volunteer in an orphanage for short term missions. I actually told ben that's what he could do for my 30th bday, just send me for a couple weeks..i'm not banking on it, but praying God gives me the opportunity some day.

Thanks Jam! Now I get to give this award to seven other bloggers!
Bring the Rain
Ramblings from a Ragamuffin
A Gallery of Words
The Vails' Tails
What More Can I Say
This is My Life
Peanut Butter Jam

speechless

2010-01-06T21:49:00.001-08:00

it's going to seem long but PLEASE hang with me..testament to a mighty move of God!

so i've been listening in to the video feed from passion2010 conference that was held in atlanta these last few days. ben and i were blessed to have attended a few years ago, but if you haven't gone and are 25 or under (or older and can go as a sponsor) i HIGHLY recommend. i've never experienced anything like it. enough about that. but below i'll attach their link if your not familiar so you can read of their heart beat and what they are helping college student around the world accomplish for the Kindgom and how God is using this gathering to propel 22,000 college students this year back to 1,100 colleges represented filled with God and the heartbeat for his kingdom!!!!!

you can read about all the causes they were being a part of this year on the website, but the overall goal was to raise $500,000 for these causes...as of yesterday morning, walking into the session COLLEGE STUDENTS had raised $668,597.95!!! because they could put the money towards any cause they wanted, some, even though surpassed the goal were not met. louie was praying on his way to the morning session that God would rise up and fully fund each cause before the morning was over...10 ft. after the prayer was said, he got a text from a friend, someone at the conference who was standing with some people who were NOT part of the conference, but heard what the students there were accomplishing for the kingdom and asked him to call. so he called with a couple min. to give on the phone and he said these people are so moved by what these students are doing for God that they want to match dollar for dollar what they have given, $562,000. Louie went on to tell him that actually the new total was the 668,597.95, so if they want to match they'll have to move up their match amt. and the person on the phone said hold on, let me check....came back on and said. IT'S DONE!

louie continued to announce to a ROARING stadium that because THEY had obeyed in responding to the move of God, God was going to not just fully fund each cause, but double fund them!!!!!!! i started to cry...it was overwhelming to hear....

i thought two things. DON'T COUNT OUT THIS GENERATION as selfish kids who don't care about the church or the kingdom...they long to be a part and when they are given a chance to come face to face to him will give all they have (and lets face it, over half a million dollars for college students is a miracle).

second: i was reminded that sometimes God is waiting on our reponse in order for a miracle to happen. those students responding like they did is what caused those people interest, what gave THEM a passion/desire to take part in this way in the Kingdom...what if God is waiting on us...you, so he can work miracles..so he can move, so he can do something amazing?

all i know is that i want to obey. when he calls, i want to go, when he asks, i want to give, when he prompts, i want to move...i pray my faith is so rooted and so grounded that without question, i will...and then i'll trust him for the other half of the miracle.

PRAISE GOD!!!!!
check these three links out
http://www.268generation.com/passion2010/

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?saved&&suggest&note_id=236723288841#/photo.php?pid=4619960&id=274645974921

matt redmans song that really spoke to me during these sessions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfzJyuFzyVE&feature=related

oh and btw, in efforts to leave an impression on the city of Atlanta that God was there, they wanted to stock the homeless with socks and towels, something they were told was needed, and in doing so, are giving the homeless in atlanta 72,600 pairs of socks and 14,820 towels....

2009-12-29T22:30:00.000-08:00

This is actually a post that a friend posted on her blog.
I was just going to post a link to her blog, but wasn't sure if people who weren't friends with her could read it. I repost it because I felt myself here when i read this. Ben and i gathered with some friends the other night for a time of worship and prayer and my request to them was that I needed God in a miraculous way. My spirit has grown weary...and I continue to press, I continue to worship, but I'm so weary. The enemy has saught to use the death of lisa to introduce crisis after crisis in our lives...i recognize these as him, but i have to admit, 14 months of it later, and i'm really tired, waiting for what it will be next. I DO continue to trust him to move miraculously in my life and to be the lifter of my head....Sarah wrote so beautifully....

There's a line from a Christmas song that keeps rolling around in my head this year. It's tucked into "O Holy Night". You'll recognize it, I'm sure.

. . . the weary world rejoices . . .

Some days I'm just overcome with the weariness of this world. The weight of sadness that so many experience daily. That I experience daily.

And yet, I rejoice. Why? Because God is teaching me so many things as I work through my grief. Because He is good and has blessed me far beyond what I deserve. Because He is using me in spite of my very elementary understanding of Him.

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.

Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground before God.

Job 1:20

I studied this verse this morning. Job lost everything, all at the same time. His wealth, his family, his health. And yet, in his grief, he worshiped.

"Is it realistic to think that you and I can worship God, not after we've figured it all out, but as our initial reaction to loss in our lives? Job shows us it is. Worshiping God does not require that we understand or approve of what God has allowed into our lives; it simply requires a heart that desires to trust God and a will that is bent toward obedience to God regardless of our feelings. We worship God because he is worthy, not because we necessarily feel like it. And as we worship in the midst of our pain, we are able to gain perspective on that pain. This is a costly worship-- which makes it all the more worthwhile and precious to God." -- Nancy Guthrie from her book Hope, p. 34 (bold mine)

This Christmas I am weary. I don't understand the path that my life is taking. But I do trust Him. Even though I don't understand and even though it takes every fiber in my being to reach out to God in my pain, I will worship. I will rejoice. I will sing.

Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

1 Peter 4:1-2

staking my sword

2009-12-18T21:27:00.000-08:00

embracing the words to "gratitude" - this cd is amazing..the flesh wrestles and in those moments, we press further into the Spirit and the truth we know despite our emotions.

advent conspiracy

2009-12-17T19:43:00.001-08:00

ben and i got to participate in something really neat today/tonight. i'll give you a short background first.

we decided as a church this year to join the advent conspiracy movement. a group of churches who have chosen to make a conscious effort to bring the meaning of christmas back into practical life. not just talking about what the real reason of christmas is, but to participate in it, by sacrificing some of the material things christmas involves and pouring it into someone else that actually needs it. one shocking statistic: $450 BILLION dollars was spent on christmas last year...in order to solve the worlds clean water problem (which is the cause of most deaths in third world countries), it would take $10 billion....something to chew on. check out the website to see more on this movement, but we decided as a church to participate in it by adopting a family in need this year in our community. there are only 10 of us right now, but we could do SOMETHING. so we found a single mom of 4 kids.

as a church we collected money and would give them the christmas they hoped to have...and it was pulled off! ben and the kids and i went this afternoon and shopped for toys. it was so neat to explain to dylan what we were doing and to have him participate in picking out toys for the kids, helping us wrap them and then tonight, dropping them off. we weren't really sure what to expect, we just wanted them to know God loved them and cared about them...they were SO grateful. they even wanted us to stay to be able to watch them open their gifts and i have to say it was one of the best things to see those kids be so excited about things they most wanted this year!

you know, we didn't really feel like we (ben and i) had anything to give. in fact, we're not doing xmas this year because we don't have it...but we could give something, we could get a toy for a child, we could. we wouldn't starve by putting the money out there, and even though we may feel like we have nothing sometimes, only because its not all we desire, we do, and we're blessed. my kids will have presents this christmas.

i love that this type of compassion is in the blueprints of our newstart Ebenezer Church of the Nazarene. as our leadership team was developing our core values, we decided that a large percentage of our church income would go towards community ministry, because there is more to meeting the needs of people than just inside of four walls...and tonight i was a part of that becoming a reality and i was blessed.

sidenote: on our way to the house to drop off the gifts, dylan said, "after we give them their presents mom, can we sing, "we wish you a merry christmas?"....God has given that boy such compassion and i love watching it.

christmas crafts

2009-12-15T12:01:00.001-08:00

i sadly report that my last post wasn't it. we DID however get an offer from the lady who looked at our home, but she must have mistaken us for someone who had owned the home for 30 years and had practically nothing left to pay on it for what she offered. we countered, but she wasn't able to come anywhere near our bottom line i guess...so...we still own a home in Michigan and we're still renting here in SC.

on a lighter note, dylan is more excited about christmas this year than ever (i mean, all i have to compare excitement is age 1 and 2, lol). but it is SO fun with him. i've determined 3, almost 4 is the perfect age for enjoying christmas with a child. i learned from Erica's example and made a christmas countdown calendar with dylan and used little candy canes as a good reminder of what Christmas is. he anxiously awaits to wake up every morning to pull off another candy cane and find out how many days are left.

we've been doing a good amount of christmas crafts too, as he's really into cutting and gluing. its been a lot of fun and some good time for just us to spend together while grahm is napping.

i can't believe he turns 4 in just three weeks...that means we start thinking preschool next fall. ben and i talked about that the other day and it was sweet to hear him say. "i'm not sure if i'm ready to handle him going to school yet". boy they grow up fast!

Let This Be It!

2009-12-03T13:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I made a few observations that i wanted to share, then i'll get to the title of my post:
1 - It seems really weird to have hired landscaping people still mowing green grass as I pass businesses, it's December!
2 - People in the south truly ARE much more friendly or God is forming a relationship with the lady at the post office we see several times a week after she talked to me about us getting into our new location and then before i left said "let me know when you get in there if you guys need any help, ok? really."
3 - ok, there was a third, and no i can't remember it...so sad.

Now to my title. ben talked with our realtor who is handling our home in MI. and we had a third showing on the house today! praying that God lets this be it!!! That they make an offer and we can get out from underneath it...hope we have an offer heading our way within the next couple of days!

confessions

2009-11-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

don't worry. i don't have anything terrible to share as my title may lead you on to believe. but i have to confess i've been in a state of complaint lately, which is why i haven't posted. i've sadly had nothing positive to say, and although my flesh wants to justify that argument due to the many circumstances we are walking through at the moment, my Spirit knows better and otherwise and I've been battling those emotions heavily for the last week. its so frustrating to feel the way i've felt, to constantly be in that battle of dying to your flesh. i know that's a daily thing we do, but i think its tested so well when you feel like you can't find any solid ground to stand on and your struggling to remain positive (and i know, God is my solid ground...but i have to admit, this last week i've struggled to remain hopeful - again, realize that's my flesh speaking...i know the truth behind those emotions). i'm ashamed to say i've failed that test.

i've really felt like the last 14 months which started with lisa's death has just continued to be a struggle...everything that tore me apart and continues to with that circumstance continues to come with me like a ball and chain around my ankle, and life continues to get so heavy in every area. this week its just gotten too heavy to drag around..life that is...Lord i really need freed from this rut! i'm beggin you to move!

ironically as sad as this post may feel, my Spirits are up and i'm ready to confront the attitude i've carried for the last several days. my circumstances remain the same and i'm as frustrated with them as ever...but my Hope has not left me, He remains the same and I'm choosing to embrace the Hope to which he's given and called me to. My life is in His hands. The circumstances I find myself in are because of my OBEDIENCE to him, not disobedience...therefore i can rest and trust that there is an end to all of this.

In the meantime, I continue to be shown the love of my Father through Dylan and Grahm. Grahm is starting to talk some, it's adorable, and Dylan is really beginning to comprehend so many things and there are days that I see glimpses of a boy rather than a toddler. I'm loving both of their ages right now, they bring so much joy! I really am blessed with the best best best family...ben and i always tell each other, as long as we have each other, we can make it through anything...i'm remembering that tonight...we DO have eachother, and we WILL make it.

2009-11-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

i couldn't even find a title for my post. i still don't have anything to say...its a bit frustrating but nothing to be worked up about i guess. some randomness...we need to decide on a rental home within the next two weeks cause we have to give 60 days notice here. the thought of packing up what we chose to put here in the townhouse is not appealing at all!

lisa's bday is this thursday.....i just went on a ladies retreat in myrtle beach this weekend with a good friend, and it was great, but had some hard moments as my last time away for a weekend was with her, scrapbook weekend..memories.

i had some delayed bday money come my way and got a few new things for the wardrobe...

i think ben and i have decided somewhere in the carribbean will be our destination to celebrate our 10 yr. next year..MUCH cheaper flights mean more money to spend and enjoy activities while we're there...we are DEFINATELY renewing our vows while there, and i'm packing my wedding dress and am so excited to fulfill that dream i've always wanted to do on my 10th:)

hopefully next time i come to the page, it'll be something a bit more productive...

2009-11-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

i really miss and need my sister today. that's it, i just need her.

hmmmm

2009-11-09T09:51:00.001-08:00

i haven't any words to post for the last several days. i sat down yesterday and typed a half a post and then decided it wasn't worth it. i have nothing. so this is mostly just randomness...

brooke (the wife of one of the co-leaders for our plant here) and i are heading to myrtle beach this weekend for our district ladies retreat. that's something exciting! i'm looking forward to the time away to do something fun and to really be filled and challenged and be led in worship. hoping maybe i'll meet some girls that are from around here too that i can develop relationships with. its crazy to think i'll be in myrtle beach (a little over 3 hrs. from here), never been there, but supposedly we're in condos right on the beach. apparently they treat us pretty good..not that we'll be doing any laying out, but we've decided to take a blanket and eat lunch out there one time. we'll be leaving early friday morning and getting back sunday early evening.

i've been really paying attention to how fast the boys are growing up too...its amazing the things they're doing, i constantly wonder how much the moving around is/going to affect them til we really are able to settle in.

prayer: ask that you pray with us this week as we continue to look for a rental home. our house in MI has not sold. we have someone interested in a lease purchase, which means we'll agree upon a sale price and they'll be in for a year (technically leasing) and at the end of that year they'll get loan and buy. we would still have financially responsibility every month, and if we're not able to buy for another year, we desperately need out of this townhouse. finding something here that takes pets and is decent seems to be a bit of a challenge, but we continue to trust. we have to give our apt. complex 60 day notice, so we have to have a decision about moving out by the end of this month...please pray with us about all that...it continues to be a burden.

beautiful

2009-10-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

i live for worship songs like this...this is why music is so amazing. God gives someone words you can never come up with yourself, melodies and instruments and words create an amazing presence in which we can sit and touch God.

i watched an inteview on kari jobe's new website and love the i've "found" someone who loves peaceful songs. its mostly what i listen to, and so does she. there is something about meeting God in the quiet moments. i can't wait to bring this song to our body...i find myself developing a heart for women and leading them in worship..i'm trying to filter that thought/emotion today to know if its just a mood, or if God is doing something here...we'll see. check out this song though..the title is fitting in many ways.

"Beautiful" - Listen here

Here, before Your altar,
I am letting go of all I've held
of every motive, every burden,
everything that's of myself.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh beautiful

here in Your presence,
I am not afraid of brokenness
to wash Your feet with humble tears
oh I would be poured out till nothing's left.
and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are, who You are

Beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

oh Lord You're beautiful, beautiful beautiful
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are
holy holy holy You are You are

beautiful, beautiful oh I am lost for more to say
beautiful, beautiful oh Lord, You're beautiful to me

and I just wanna wait on You my God
I just wanna dwell on who You are.

10 random observations

2009-10-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

1 - i ran my best of my 3 miles yesterday and did 11 min. miles, completing 3 miles in 33 minutes. i'm not up to running the entire time, but did get 3/4 mile runs in for each mile. needless to say i'm pumped

2 - had dinner tonight with our district superintendent. we're blessed to be serving under such a man of God who genuinely cares for us and how we're doing here and would take time out of his schedule to meet us for dinner in our town. he is encouraging...

3 - several shows make me cry on a regular basis - the biggest loser (which i balled at tonight), grey's anatomy, private practice and so you think you can dance (when the dancing is so beautiful and i'm jealous at the desire to be a part of something like that)

4 - i hate how i feel after some of those shows when it brings forth grief and i feel myself sliding away from a good day.

5 - i desperately need a chiropractic appointment

6 - i would love the cleaning fairy to come tonight while i'm sleeping

7 - i'm looking forward the district ladies retreat next month in myrtle beach

8 - i wish i would loosen up some more...no, actually i wish i would feel comfortable enough to let out what's underneath sometimes...i'm much stiffer on the outside than i really am

9 - my sons follow in their father's accident proneness steps (yes those are all words and make sense)

10 - HE created my inmost being and knit me together, took time out of his universe to say my name and think me important enough. gave me thought and crafted me by hand. (that's a good one!)

the more i seek you

2009-10-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

"the more i seek you" - kari jobe (part of Christ for the Nations Institute) i just found this song today. really like Christ for the Nations, but hadn't heard this. its older, but the live version is just gorgeous! i can't tell you how many times i've listened to this over and over again. i have to admit its the first time in a couple of days that i really felt like i was sitting in his presence REALLY worshipping....i LOOONG to be a part of these type of worship services. (who doesn't i guess right?). but stuff like this video remind me of the passion conference ben and i attended in TN several years back. i could sit in those types of places for days, listening to thousands singing, being a part of creating such a gorgeous sound. anyway. that was just a ramble to say that God presence flows from this song and it was GREAT to have this cross my path today...

take a listen.

Life in the pavement

2009-10-21T19:04:00.001-07:00

(i first have to say i had so many words to put down on paper this morning after my run and had hoped to get right to the computer when i got home, but here i am, 10pm...and hoping the thoughts come forth as clearly as they did this morning)

so i've picked up a new "hobby" of running since being down here. i call it my sanctuary as its been a place to escape the reality of things most the time, reality of being in a brand new city where we don't have any friends or any current church to plug into, any families for my kids to play with, the reality that we're so far from home..that we sometimes feel out of our minds with the faith we're walking in, that my sister is gone, that we have a house in MI still to sell...and its usually a break from the apartment i often feel stuck in 7 days a week. most importantly, its quiet, where i can talk with my Father and lay all the fears, the angers out...thank Him for the joyful moments, for the encouragements, for the sunshine, for the wind in my face, for the shade the trees give when i'm in need of a break from the sun on the hot days.

so today i was listening to the shane and shane album "pages" and they have a piano interlude on there (called interlude) that is really short, but just beautiful..really matched the day and it became my theme song (which i often stumble across sometime during my run and listen to several times) for the day. God began to speak to me and i discovered how much life there was in the pavement i was running on.

my running is a good metaphor for my journey right now...not running the whole 3 miles, but pushing myself to go as long as i can. and i often feel so tired, i just want to stop, but there is something inside me telling me i can go further, don't quit now, there's more in you..it's Him. and just like Him the pavement is constantly in my face..some days it feels freeing, some days feels like a big hurdle or even burden i have to overcome or push through..but every time i make the choice to meet it at the park it's there...looks the same, treats me the same, it doesn't change. sometimes running on it feels harder than the day before, but it's the same as the day before. and as difficult as the effort sometimes feels to get myself there, i never walk away from meeting it disappointed, always rejuvenated, encouraged, head held up like i have something to give the world. and sometimes right now i feel like its my closest friend, and as i thought that as i was running today i heard God say i AM your closest friend.

so i press into it...my feet pound into the pavement, over and over. i stare it in the face and lay down all i bring to it at its feet and walk away changed every time. that's my sanctuary. i was on my way home today and thought this is my motivation to keep going back. it's LIFE to me. i have to have these times with God, especially now, especially here.

on a complete side note, i (again) felt impressed when i was listening today that Ben should write a book..he is SO gifted with words and a beautiful writer...and he has a perspective no one else does, and the world needs this...so keep an eye out. i think God will begin doing a work in him to do so (although he's felt impressed himself before, i think God is going to start nudging).

if you've made it to the end of this long post, listen to the interlude here and take a second to be quiet before God and see what He may be speaking about to you in the silence.

i love my sensitive boy

2009-10-20T13:02:00.001-07:00

dylan watched "land before time" today during his rest time in bed. i let him watch it in mom and dad's room, so he laid on the bed while i continued our vacation search on the computer. i love that movie! it was the first one i saw in the theatre when i was little, with my mom. when he notices someone dying or hurt, he often asks if they are going to be with jesus, because that's what he knows about aunt lisa. that she's in heaven with jesus. so he commented often in the movie about the dinosaur that dies and kept mentioning how the baby was sad cause his mommy was in heaven.

well the movie got done and dylan and i were playing thomas trains. i mention the next three things in order...he had to get up to go potty, so he went and as he's standing going, he says. mom, we need to clean this soon (meaning the toilet) - which i will tell you has been cleaned recently :), but i found myself laughing at his choice of words. he sits back down to play with me and begins to talk again about how sad the baby dinosaur was that his mommy had to go up to heaven to be with jesus (and he's starting to seriously tear up). i agreed and he says, he went to heaven just like daddy..i responded, no dylan, daddy isn't in heaven. lisa is in heaven with jesus..and he says (now crying softly) "oh yah, that's right mom, she's with jesus, that makes me so sad" ....AND i lose it! and he immediately gets concerned and says "its ok mom, its ok....you sad?" i said yes, that makes me sad too. i quickly pull myself together and he continues "its ok mommy...you keep your pants dry?" (and i bust out laughing) you have to understand we've been really praising him for doing so well with the potty, so he talks like that a lot when he wakes from his nap dry....oh the laughter and the tears this afternoon...i'm so grateful to have shared that moment with him tho. not that i want him sad, but that i want her to be missed by him..i want her to have meant something in his life, and i'm grateful that he remembers and that God has given him a sensitive heart.

ok, i'm off to build a tent with blankets and play cars in it!

not me monday!

2009-10-19T19:09:00.000-07:00

so i just found another blogger that has a neat site and have entered a not me monday contest on there...check her site out here

find it pretty interesting that its called no me monday...i've felt just like that all day today. not me right, not me, not now, not this...chuck it up to being a monday? lol..hope so!

we came, he met

2009-10-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

this morning was amazing! really. i feel like its been our best service so far. don't hear that like a superficial judging thing...when your having church in your home with 10 other people, it's VERY intimate...it feels much like a small group so sometimes takes something amazing for everyone to feel fully comfortable. this isn't a place you just come to and show up to..it requires you to engage. well everyone was "here" today. i was blessed to see the songs God used to minister to me during preparation seemed to be what others needed this morning as well. we had a great time of prayer and concluded with a great time of reflection discussion...we came..he met...loved it!

the way he encourages us

2009-10-17T17:55:00.000-07:00

its been cold and rainy here for the last few days and my mood has felt about the same. not cold..but just gloomy, wishing God would drop the perfect friend in my lap (or bring the one here closer :). i sat preparing worship for tomorrow and came across a song i've heard but have never done and haven't heard much called "revelation song" by Christ for the Nations. you can listen to it here. (sidenote: i LOVE the background pic for that site..i love this type of activism and told ben we'll need to do something like this here when we do an event - i believe it was in D.C. "protesting" abortion). but anyway, i sat listening to this song and felt such immense peace..its so musically beautiful. then i sat thinking how these words relate to my life today..with how i'm feeling..."you are my everything and i will adore you." i don't feel like i'm adoring much today...actually doesn't feel like my everything today..but i found myself engulfed in worship as i listened...and then i moved onto "God of our yesterdays", which you can listen to here. i love this song...love it. such a great reminder for those hard days and what the good days ahead hold..nothing different than the hard ones. sometimes it feels that way, i won't deny that, but my experience tells me otherwise so i remind myself of that. i'm grateful for the times that he allows these things to be life giving, even in their preparation...
we'll see what he has for us tomorrow.

friends, where art thou

2009-10-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

so today we hit the wall i think. not terribly but i/we are really in need of some friends here...the last 7 weeks spending most all the time by ourselves is starting to get to everybody in the fam. dylan is in DESPERATE need of some interaction outside of this house. he's really been acting up this last week. we just don't even have a yard to do something in and i'm starting to feel frustrated at the smallest things due to lack of time outside of this apartment. what to do? nothing. we can't do a thing. its going to take time...quite a bit of time when you come to a town where you know no one to start a church with no current attendees...at least when we moved to bedford we walked into a church family and were already surrounded with a group of people with whom we could develop relationships.
i was driving today considering attending all the events i was hearing on the christian radio station just for some interaction..then i thought, how hilarious. not quite sure where to go from here, but i'm hoping God brings someone along our way soon for the sake of all of us. i'm starting to feel bad that dylan doesn't have anyone to play with. Lord, please bring some friends our way...

tired

2009-10-13T12:15:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired today. for some reason these last two nights i have been exhausted and yet find myself wide awake late at night. last night was no different and i had to get up and going to teach my computer class at the academy. i had a first grader come in and walk right to me with flowers and a card he made with is picture on it to say thank you for being his teacher...made me feel like i was doing something right. came home to two exhausted kids and now they're both napping after some crying, and no's. ben is in columbia today meeting with 6 other pastors and the d.s. at the district office for their monthly "mentoring session". the d.s. picks 7 pastors a year to do this with each year, i'm excited about this for him.

we had our first real church visitor this last sunday. someone here in aiken who came to find out about us through his dad (who lives in a city a couple hrs. away) who heard about us through the district. we were so excited to have him and i really feel like he is one of the reasons we're here. someone who needs our community, an up and down pattern and walk in his life that he is open about and think he's searching for meaning. this excites me and i find myself assured again by God about us being here!

well, i'm off for a nap...its been raining here for a couple days. so i haven't been running since sat. i'm feeling so lazy today i hear choc. icecream calling my name and am fearful i'm about to cave....

thankfullness

2009-10-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

so last night i found myself up til 2am, just totally awake, so messing around on the computer, to finally give in thinking if i layed down i'd be tired...didn't happen and then found myself up at 7am with grahm this morning. i'm exhausted to say the least..however again i'm at the computer and i'm thankful. know this is random but this is all this tired brain has after 4 hours of sleep. our printer stopped working earlier this week, i dreaded the thought of having to spend more money on something like that (our vaccuum decided to completely quite on us a couple weeks ago). but last night in the middle of doing some stuff, i had to restart the computer and when it came back on, our printer started printing again! i'm reminded of this because it's sitting in front of my face, but i'm so thankful! i know it seems like such an odd thing and maybe small to be excited about, but when you've been given back something so necessary for us right now (we have to print off words for church worship), its a big deal.

what else has been given to me, necessary or not that i've overlooked being thankful for or recognizing it was his hand who's given it? got me thinking....

here we go

2009-10-12T01:26:00.000-07:00

so i've noticed most of my friends have moved to this website, and in efforts to restart my own blogging and to stay up to date not just on their daily status, but meaningful issues, family life, struggles and joys, and to share our life here in SC with family and friends, here we go....